Twilight SagaPalooza

The Holiday Runs

2011-12-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

I found this picture I took back in 2009 and thought of you. Merry Christmas!!!

The Saga Mafia's Summer Vacation

2011-09-23T19:06:00.001-07:00

What's up Arizona? How you likin' the rain girl?

That went thru my mind a million times on our trip to the Pacific Northwest. Lizard Stew, Copa Shoe Girl and I escaped the sweltering heat of Phoenix and headed to Portland and Seattle with a little detour to, you guessed it, FORKS!

We touristed around Portland first. Of course we visited Multnomah Falls.

Lil E loved it!

Lil JB....not so much.

WARNING! Do not stay at the Red Lion Hotel in Portland located near the convention center (aka Murderville). It's haunted! FOR REALZ! I was accosted while taking a shower. (It's not what you think pervs!) For some unknown reason, I was pushed out of the shower. Literally PUSHED out of the shower. I landed on my ass with a thud. I was not drunk, I was not high, I was however, embarrassed because Lizard Stew and Copa Shoe Girl heard it asked if I was ok. Next up in the bathroom was Lizard Stew, and when she was finished, she said something smacked her head into the wall while she was showering. I don't know about you, but that's freaky........

....but I digress....

We also met up with Starlit Violets and Musing Bella and had some adult beverages with them at Kells. They are now honorary members of The Saga Mafia. Not that that really comes with any benefits other than our seal of approval.

Starlit Violets, mmMoxie, Musing Bella, Lizard Stew, Copa Shoe Girl
XOXOXOXO!

We also scooted up to Seattle and did all the Seattley things to do in Seattle like The Space Needle, the monorail, the underground tour and a little afternoon delight with the Freemont Troll. (He's very cheeky)

But, on our way to Seattle we spent one glorious night and two glorious days in the Mecca of the Twidom, FORKS!

I must say, driving from Portland to Forks was BEAUTIFUL. The Olympic Peninsula was amazeballs. Coming from the desert of Phoenix, the lushness and the colors of the forest were breathtaking. We're used to scrubby bushes, rocks, dirt and cactus not green, green, green and green. We played the soundtrack to Twilight as we approached town. I felt all school girly and Bellaish. We even saw a deer, but no vampires were chasing it.

Phoenix. Scrub, rocks, dirt, cactus.

Forks. Green, green, green, green.

We didn't pay for the Twilight bus tour. Lizard Stew had it all worked out. She knew all of the spots to hit, and it didn't hurt that all of the sights coincided with The Official Twilight Geocache. (Lizard Stew and Copa Shoe Girl LOVE to geocache). She even had notecards prewritten to give us all of the facts at each sight.

It's official.

La Push was on the tour route, so you know we hit up First Beach. It's like La Push and it was like BEAUTIFUL. We had blue skies just about every day of our entire trip. I think the Cullin's were a little off about it being the rainiest place in the continental United States.

AHH! Where's Jacob when you need him?

There isn't much to do in Forks at night. So we drank a bottle of wine and wrote a dirty limerick scavenger hunt (naturally). We were hoping Musing Bella would be able to get room 112 at The Forks Motel, and the crafty little cutie did!

There are several clues hidden around the room. Hopefully the cleaning lady didn't find any of them. She'd be like "WTF?"

Anyway.....at the end of the hunt there is a priceless memento from The Saga Mafia for you to cherish FOREVER!

Ok Musing Bella, here is your first clue:

"Mirror, mirror on the wall. Room 112 contains it all."

Is this the Forks Motel or the Bates Motel? Kinda creepy looking.

They give you ACTUAL keys.

If you get stuck, reference the "DO NOT OPEN" email I'm sending to you. It contains the rest of the clues with *hints*. You should probably be drunk while you're searching too. I have a feeling it was A LOT funnier while were were writing it.

Our Tour de Forks was a total WIN. I can't wait to hear all of the stories from the Twitards and their upcoming trip.

Stay classy Forks!

(despite the Twitard invasion)

Damn you Musing Bella!

2010-10-19T20:03:00.003-07:00

Musing Bella from Cheaper Than Therapy tagged me to answer some deeply probing questions, so now I have to actually post something new at Twilight Sagapalooza. *sigh* it was a nice long nap, but here goes...

1) What was your favorite subject in school, and why?

I listened to The Smiths, wore all black and practiced looking morose. I had no favorite subjects.

2) Do you have any daily rituals, and what are they?

I poop almost every day, unless I consume a lot of cheese.

3) Do you prefer beer, wine, or hard alcohol (or none of the above)?

Beer is gross and gives me the lava. I'm trying to acquire a taste for wine. I enjoy vodka mixed with Diet Coke.

4) What is the very first thing you would do if you won a million dollars?

I'd build a chocolate house.

5) If you could live one fan fic story (as any character), what would it be?

Laura Ingalls Wilder; Diary of a Dominatrix

6) What is something you're looking forward to in the next six months?

Little people.

7) Have you ever slapped someone for real? And if so, why?

I slapped my best friend Crystal in sixth grade for being a twat. She cried and went home.

I slapped my exboyfriend (who was my boyfriend at the time) for being a twat. He didn't cry or go home.

I slapped my exhusband (who was my husband at the time) for cheating on me. He didn't cry until he had to pay child support.

8) What is your favorite Halloween candy?

Bit-O-Honey baby! It's the only time of year I get them. (Don't Google Bit-O-Honey.....you'll get strippers)

I'm not going to tag anyone else because I think everyone I know has already been tagged, not to mention I have no clever questions to ask.

Renee is gonna get you

2010-08-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

ACK! Um. Hey Renee. You startled me.

Uh...what's up?

Sure. They've been very welcoming. Are you feeling ok?

Yeah........um, could you step back a little. You're getting kinda close.

Hey now, back off Renee. You're making me nervous.

WTF? Who said anything about Jacksonville?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Joan Jett School of Acting

2010-08-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

I saw The Runaways last night.

I now understand the method of acting Kristen Stewart used in the Twilight movies. She was playing Joan Jett playing Bella Swan. Now it all makes sense!

*****************************

The most entertaining part of the movie:

......and it wasn't even in the movie.

Attack of the Killer Vamsters!

2010-07-25T21:19:00.003-07:00

Mrs. P from the blog TwiBite wrote a post at her non-Twilight blog (called Walk With Mrs. P) today about how her daughter presented her with a very well written and surprisingly formal letter explaining why (despite the unfortunate demise of her previous two) she should be allowed to have a pet hamster. Click here to read it. It is HILARIOUS.

Now I have had my own experiences with hamsters and because of that I have drilled it into my son's head that he will never EVER have a pet hamster (or reptile or bird). We had a cat named Hog who died and we now have a repugnant and vile smelling dog named Mingus. Anyway, back to the hamster. My sister and I had two hamsters whom I hated. They smelled and ate their poop and they were biters. Yes BITERS. It was a happy happy day at Moxie's childhood home when the last one finally died. I never asked for another rodent from my parents again.

Mrs. P has experienced the joy of being a hamster owner in the past so I know whatever decision she makes regarding her daughter's request will be an informed one, but I just couldn't help myself and HAD to warn her of the negative side to rodent pets. I found a few pictures that illustrated my fears and tweeted them to her today. I thought it was funny and decided to post them here for everyone else to enjoy.

They hog the computer and drink all the Red Bull.

Although it is very rare, some hamsters are indeed VAMSTERS!

If housed near the microwave they become HUGE!

They're not all cute.

Keep us posted Mrs. P. I'm dying to find out if you give your daughter the hamster green light. Oh, and if you do decide to go for it, take some pictures to prove how cute the Honey Bear hamster really is.

A busy Friday for Moxie

2010-07-23T16:55:00.001-07:00

I'm hosting Drunk Mad Libs tonight over at www.drunkmadlibs.blogspot.com so come play with me at 6:30 Pacific Time.

I also had the honor and the privilege of selecting the Friday Fun Five questions at Twi-Sted Edbrella so you should stop by. If you don't, you're a complete loser. http://edbrella.blogspot.com/2010/07/friday-fun-five-with-moxie-somehow.html?zx=8b9de942b5dcabd9

Ok. One last thing. I have a confession to make. I've been cheating on Twilight SagaPalooza. Phew *wipes brow* finally got that off my chest. Yep, I started another blog. A blog that has nothing to do with Twilight. A blog that is ten times dumber and ten times more random than this one, which has been completely liberating. It's about how out of place and totally useless I am as a suburban housewife. So if you're interested (and PLEASE don't feel obligated), visit www.cul-de-sac-ed.blogspot.com and tell me what you think.

Moxie's Eclipse Review

2010-07-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

It was better than New Moon

Please Pass the Enthusiasm

2010-06-29T17:23:00.001-07:00

I like everyone else's blog better than mine. I don't have much to say these days, but you guys do and you crack me up. I'm not going post as much anymore....only when something truly rouses an emotional reaction in me. I'm going to stick with posting smartass comments on your posts.

Still, I cannot find it in my heart to let go of Twilight SagaPalooza so I've decided that I need to look at the positive side of things instead of the negative. It is a stretch for me, being the consummate pessimist, but I'm going to try. These are some things I'm looking forward to in the near future that are keeping the Twilight SagaPalooza dream alive:

Eclipse: The Saga Mafia is going to see the movie on July 4th at 10 am. I know....wild and crazy plans huh? Well, none of us like crowds or teenagers and we ALL love breakfast. There is a distinct possibility that I am more excited about eating at Cracker Barrel before the movie than the actual movie. I will be posting the details. Count on it.

"Excuse me waitress. Can I substitute extra bacon for the orange slice?"

Forks: The Saga Mafia is going to the Pacific Northwest in the summer of 2011. We'll be visiting Seattle and Portland with a little side trip to Forks. Lizardstew and I have been planning this trip for a long time, even before I heard about the Twitarded "FFFOOORRRKKKSSS" extravaganza. I'm so psyched to go with my girls because frankly, the Twitarded trip would scare the shit out of me. I know....I have issues. Anyway, The Saga Mafia always has such a great time together getting totally hammered and acting like imbeciles, but I'm sure no one in Forks will notice our shenanigans, having previously lived through the Twitarded invasion. I don't think anything will phase the fine people of Forks after that. Expect an extensive post detailing our trip.

Breaking Dawn (Part 1 & 2): I am quite positive I will have A LOT to say about that.

Ok. So Twilight SagaPalooza will probably be around until 2012, but I don't plan on posting unless something really pisses me off or makes me laugh or confuses me or makes me want to jump RPatz bones. I think the rest of the Saga Mafia feels the same way. We all still love Twilight but these days....we're just sorta.....meh.

Cop a Feel and Play DML

2010-06-25T15:12:00.001-07:00

Are you ready to get drunk and do something you might regret?

Meet me at http://drunkmadlibs.blogspot.com/ tonight at 6:30 Pacific 8:30 Central 9:30 Eastern time to play Drunk Mad Libs.

You just might get felt up by a vampire.

Boobies!

Is Ryan Seacrest to cool for Eclipse?

2010-06-22T15:12:00.006-07:00

So as you all may know, E! Online is streaming the LA Eclipse premiere on Thursday night.

The only burning question that I have is: Will Seacrest be there? I can't wait to see her*! Or will she be too cool to show?

*her= I must honor my idol, Miss Kathy Griffin*

"Oh CC, I have loved RPatz since I was in 8th grade"- Seacrest

I will be watching. This guy? Who knows....

"I am too cool for anything, but my Honda"- Douchebag

Come back Mox! We miss you :(

2010-06-15T11:58:00.003-07:00

Its been 4 days and I can't go on... I need my Mox!

Many of you may already know. Mox is at the Ranch this week and it out of touch with the Mafia thanks to her lame parents. She will return this weekend and I for one cannot wait!

Saga nation cannot wait until Mox comes back, we need her sarcasm! CC and other Mafia members just can't do what she does.

We're not worthy!

Vampires vs. Werewolves reflected in hair and abs?

2010-06-15T11:51:00.005-07:00

RPatz on TLau:

"I want to have better hair than him. I want to have a better six-pack," the "Eclipse" star (out June 30) joked to J enna Bush Hager on the TODAY show Monday. "No, he's great. I've been close with him throughout the whole series."

So saga nation- does RPatz beat out TLau on abs? hair? or both?

Drunk Mad Libs - Tag, Starlit Violets is it!

2010-06-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard DML has it's own website you've either been living under a rock or you've been in Hawaii for a week (LizardStew and Copa Shoe Girl).

Tonight is Starlit Violets debut as Drunk Mad Libs host. Please go easy on her.

Now that I have help I don't want your drunk asses scaring them off.

Join the crew at 6:30 Pacific 8:30 Central 9:30 Eastern time HERE!

http://drunkmadlibs.blogspot.com/

Read the directions because Starlit Violets has a theme!

Question this, biotch!

2010-06-10T17:09:00.003-07:00

According to urban dictionary a biotch is defined as:

1. (noun) a woman of unsavory character traits pertaining to negative or even beligerant attitude (ie. a pain in the ass or a moody bitch) 2. (noun) a man who's abilities/character/mindset/emotional responses is atypical of that which is generally associated with being a man (ie. acting like a girl, wimp or homosexual) 3. (noun) a non-offensive colloquialism meant to reference to a girl or a woman with whom the speaker is associated in some way Alternate spellings: beyatch biyatch beyotch biyotch Synonyms: biznatch bleyatch bitch pussy wimp boo shorty

I run with a bunch of biotches according to Demonpurr's momma. Many of the biotches are Mafia members. And if I must say so myself, we are a bunch of biznatchs, but are one hell of a good time (can I direct you towards the post "Ms. P at the Ranch"?).

According to this people.com article, you can ask Stewy, who I would not consider a biotch (not cool enough), a question. Oh man, here is what I would ask:

(1) Do you realize people are offended when others refer to you as an "actress"? (Let's face it, she is not getting an Oscar anytime soon people)

(2) Do you really think that your hair looks good? (me-hell no!)

(3) Come on, you really want us to believe that you are "sorry" for the rape comment in referring to red carpet appearances? (don't buy it- this was her publicist all the way)

(4) Do you smoke weed because it is cool or do you need to keep up your perceived "baby goth" image? (I think that she needs it to function, much like CC's younger brother)

(5) Don't you know that no one does "cold and dead inside" like MMoxie? (ummmm...this is obviously a yes)

(6) Can I punch you in the face? (pleeeeeze? Pretty please?)

What questions would you ask Stewy?

They Do Look Rather Juicy

2010-06-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

"Save some for me."

Yep - Still Hot

2010-06-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

GQ out takes. WOW!

You can thank me after you've had a moment to collect yourself.

Found um at Twilog

Private Eyes or Bad Ass Cops?

2010-06-07T18:50:00.001-07:00

I think MTV channeled some old school Hall & Oates for their Bad Ass Cops "joke" (I think it was supposed to be funny) on the Movie Awards last night.

Seriously.....TLau looks EXACTLY like John Oates with the mustache.

You Know You Want To

2010-06-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

DML - Under Construction

2010-06-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

Ok...I know.....I've been seriously neglecting DML. My Friday night social calendar has picked up and to be honest, sometimes I just don't feel like doing it. It's become a bit of a burden and a few people have noticed and thank god, help is on the way! Not only has 17ForeverLisa from 17 Forever , Dangrdafne from Dangrdafne Days of Delirium and StarlitViolets from Violet Delights volunteered to run Drunk Mad Libs, they are setting up a blog site DEDICATED to Drunk Mad Libs! You have no idea how much I appreciate you guys for doing this.

Wow. That is gay.

The site isn't ready yet so I'm not posting the link, but hopefully, by next Friday it will be up and running and AWESOME. I have no doubt it'll be bigger and better since I have very little to do with any of the actual work. Because I'm a lazy bitch and because several people will be absent, we will not be hosting DML tonight....AGAIN.....STFU.

"OH boy OH boy a new blog for Drunk Mad Libs. I can't wait to see what sick, twisted and disgusting things you gals come up with! hmmmm.....Why does my beanie smell like tuna and marijuana?"

If you're looking for something else to do tonight, meet me at Twitarded at 9:30 Eastern Time to watch New Moon. If it's anything like the Twilight viewing, it'll be chaotic, kinda stupid and 100% fun. I recommend getting hammered first. Then again, I recommend getting hammered before attempting any Friday night activity. Musing Bella at Cheaper than Therapy has lots of tasty recipes for adult beverages at her blog.

WFE and LPs

2010-06-03T16:13:00.000-07:00

This movie keeps looking better and BETTER!

Thanks Mrs. P from TwiBite for sending me the picture.

Maybe he'll fall in love with his little people co-stars and do a guest spot on Little People Big World.

I bet Amy Roloff would be all over his tip.

Should Stewy take advice from Nell????

2010-06-02T18:03:00.004-07:00

"Chicka, chicka, chickabee. T'ee an me an t'ee an me. Ressa, ressa, ressa me, chicka, chickabee."
(She was nominated for an Oscar for this shit???)

From people.com:

Two-time Academy Award winner Jodie Foster knows what it takes to make it as a young actress in Hollywood. Luckily for Twilight star Kristen Stewart, the elder actress is there for her with valuable words of wisdom. So what advice does Foster, 47, have for Stewart? "Just about how to not go crazy," Foster, who costarred with Stewart in 2002’s Panic Room, told PEOPLE at the New York Women in Film & Television’s Designing Women Awards last week. "And [how to] be a young actor who wants to have a long career."

Oh really Jodi? Not go crazy??? I would LOVE to see Stewy go crazy, then she might actually have talent coming through in her acting.

What she needs is to take advice from this Nell posthumously (whoa, big word for a mafia member!):

"I'm eating clean, lean, and healthy. After all, you are what you eat. Another helping of jackass, Stewy?"

R.I.P. Nell Carter. You were awesome in Gimme a Break.

Stay Filthy Pony Boy

2010-06-01T18:03:00.002-07:00

MTV Shows

Moxie gets no respect and DML is cancelled

2010-05-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

It's not you....it's me. I have a family obligation tonight so DML is cancelled.

I hope you don't hold it against me, unless you're Robert Pattinson and you're holding your cock against me....that would be ok.

"I think I'm gonna be sick."

Shut your gob Rob! You can be replaced with Cillian Murphy ya know!

"I'll be right over!"

Sale at Chico's

2010-05-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

Hey wardrobe lady........got anything to make KStew look like a 35 year old housewife?

PERFECT!

Lets try the chiffon poncho next!

Top 5 Villains

2010-05-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Lizardstew I get to list the Top 5 Villains I wouldn't mind being terrorized by.

Cillian Murphy

At the moment he is my #2 on the all time Top 5.

Beautiful bad guy in Red Eye.

Christian Bale

American Psycho & homicidal maniac. I don't know why, but it's hot!

Gary Oldman

He's been the bad guy in some of my favorite movies of all time, like the pill popping, drug dealing cop in The Professional.

Rutger Hauer

He may not have been human in Blade Runner but he was a bad ass!

Yes that is a fucking nail sticking out of his hand.

Michael C. Hall

Ok, this choice may be questionable since we sympathize with him on Dexter, but he's still a serial killer and I want to do naughty things to him.

Who is on your Top 5 Villain list?

Will Peter Murphy Cut You Up in Eclipse?!?!

2010-05-24T11:53:00.002-07:00

I just read this on Cullen Boys Anonymous:

Peter Murphy, former lead singer of Bauhaus, considered to be the “Godfather of Goth”, posted a picture of himself taken “somewhere in the Vancouver mountains”.

According to his facebook page, Murphy will make a cameo appearance in Eclipse as a character whose name is “the Cold One.” Did you notice the red eyes?

Holy whaaaaa? This is awesome but bizarre news. Who knew Peter Murphy was a Twilight fan? I figured him to be more of a vampire purist, being the Godfather of Goth and all. I couldn't find anything about it on Peter Murphy's official website. If it's true, I'm totally psyched!

Wait a second....hold up - hold up. You don't know who Peter Murphy is? Teenage Moxie ate this shit up! Oh yes....I was Goth before Goth was Emo. The second song might be a little easier to digest for some of you.

Yep....I still love it.

Stuff Your Face With DML

2010-05-21T18:30:00.003-07:00

Are you well fed? Do you have a drink in hand? Are you wearing creepy topaz colored contacts? Sounds like you're ready to play DML!

Directions:

Pour yourself a glass.
Type ONE WORD per comment
Write the number, type of word and your word (i.e. #1 Noun: labia)
Make it dirty.
Make it crude.
Make it Twilight related. (this is semi optional)
Make one of the words "taint". It's a must. The word "taint" is funny ALL THE TIME.
Oh yeah, I know we'll be a tad bit tipsy, but try to read the other comments so we know what number we're on and don't have any repeats.

Mad Lib #1

adjective
adjective
noun
noun
verb ending in "ing"
part of the body
type of food
noun
noun
noun
part of the body
adjective
occupation (plural)
adverb

Manners 101

You've come to a little realization: His manners are sexy. When he picks you up, he leans on The Chupacabra instead of coming to the dildo for you. He fucks your mother on the scrotum when he meets her and insults her nachos to boot. When you go out to dinner, he never opens the knuckle for you and always walks into the taint ahead of you. He has never once pulled out a foreskin for you, and worst of all, he picks his cock at the table and gets into drunk arguments with all the pirate hookers. But all in all, he has potential: he's cleverly bright, he's alive and he's breathing - the perfect gentleman.

Little People and Trouser Snakes

2010-05-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

I love little people. I even admitted my secret crush, Peter Dinklage. Today is one of the happiest days of my life. Pictures from Water for Elephants were all over the internet with Rob sitting next to a little person! BE STILL MY HEART! Oh....and Rob looks totally fucking hot too!

The one on the left is the little person. Not convinced?

Oh yes....that IS a little person.

I don't know who you are little person, but you have doubled my desire to see this movie.

One last thought......is that a foot or does Rob's cock look like a black boot?

I think that's the little person's foot. Either Rob is sitting on him or he went diving for trouser snakes.

Mrs. P at The Ranch

2010-05-20T13:06:00.000-07:00

Some of The Saga Mafia went to The Ranch a couple of weeks ago and Mrs. P tagged along. This is her story.

Here are some facts about The Ranch:

Moxie's parent's cabin is called The Ranch. It is situated on one acre of land. Impressive, huh?
The Ranch is located in a mountain town called Young, Arizona. Crazy cannibalistic mountain people may or may not reside in Young, Arizona. If you have seen the movie "The Hills Have Eyes" and were frightened by it, you should never EVER visit The Ranch (I'm looking at you Twired Jen).

Young, Arizona is about a three hour drive from Phoenix making it a quick and cheap getaway. Mrs. P was on board as soon as she heard "quick and cheap".
Drinking to excess is encouraged at The Ranch.
Eating to excess is encouraged at The Ranch.

As soon as we arrived Mrs. P was ready to get her drink on.

giddyup!

First order of business.....shots!

Red Headed Sluts anyone?

We alternated between shots and Cherry Vodka mixed with Diet Cherry Coke (Moxie's favorite).

The entire group was hammered in no time.

Mrs. P is so slutty when she's drunk.

So is Lizardstew

Mrs. P trying on the hamster pelt on the wagon wheel coffee table.

Mrs. P climbed on to the rafters with Lizardstew to try a little mountain lion.

(like I said...slutty)

We played Drunk Mad Libs

"Taint"

Mrs. P started to turn a little green after that. She disappeared into the bathroom for a while (presumably to puke) when she returned she passed out on the couch. It was a pretty rough night for her.

The next morning she woke up looking like this:

"Moxie you bitch!"

Mrs. P cleaned herself up, popped some aspirin and was feeling much better so we decided to go for a hike.

That night we had a campfire. The fire wigged Mrs. P out a little seeing how she's made of paper and pretty flammable. Not to mention all the alcohol she soaked up would probably act as an accelerant.

The lure of campfire food was too much so Mrs. P decided to stop being such a pussy and made herself a pizza tonka pie.

We sat around the fire chatting about intellectual things. The sky grew darker and darker.....and then really fucking dark. The woodland creatures started making their woodland noises that in daylight probably wouldn't have been scary at all, but at night sounded like rabid bears and snarling mountain lions ripping the flesh from innocent campers in the distance. When Lizardstew shined the flashlight into the woods and we saw glowing eyes peering back at us, we bolted for the cabin. I'm pretty sure it was the Chupacabra.

This is a true story. Only a few facts have been changed to protect the innocent.

Roberta Pussyson and Stew.....A Love Story

2010-05-19T19:20:00.001-07:00

Both Robert Pattinson and Adam Lambert appeared on Ellen today.

After the show Adam gave Rob a little make over.

"Hot Dog! I am FIERCE!"

Now KStew finally feels comfortable being KStew

"Just changed the oil in Roberta's Miata. How about a brewskie?"

They plan on marrying in late summer.

Adam has been asked to be Best Man and Maid of Honor.

Say it aint so Spicoli!

2010-05-18T11:04:00.006-07:00

From people.com:

Catherine Hardwicke, director of the first Twilight film, who was closely involved in casting the ensemble of actors, is under no illusions about the seriousness of the current salary dispute involving Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz. "It would really break my heart if they were replaced, but it could happen. Things could turn ugly quickly," Hardwicke, 54, said this weekend at the Twilight Convention in Vancouver. Cullen kids Lutz, 25, and Greene, 23, reportedly had a three-picture deal, which expired, and are trying to score paydays of about $1.5 million as work begins on the next installment, Breaking Dawn. But Hardwicke says the young actors might not even be all that involved in the "They have all these people and outside influences telling you what to do," Hardwicke said. "They tell you to hold out for this much because you're such an important part of the franchise, and everyone is telling you to ask for more." But it's a dangerous game, she adds – pointing to the case of Rachelle Lefevre, who was replaced by Bryce Dallas Howard for Eclipse. "A lot of stuff can get mishandled and misunderstood," she said. "That is what happened with Rachelle Lafevre." Do they actually deserve more money? Hard to say. "Probably they do deserve more money, on one level," Hardwicke says. "But if everybody makes so much money then ... [shrugs]. It is very complicated. Oh my, it is such a mess. I really hope they can sort it out because it would be a shame to lose any actors."

I really don't think that I could handle another cast shake up. Pony up the money Summit.

If our dear Ashley and Kellan would not return, who would play Alice and Emmet?

It could be that hotty from Avatar:

What about the space cadet, Katie Holmes?

(This is a scary thought)

Overall, I hope that Summit and the cast can come to an agreement. They will need all of the original case to complete the series.

Gay for a Day Top 5

2010-05-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

Let's get one thing straight. I am a card carrying heterosexual, however there are a few celebrities I might go gay for....

Natalie Portman

Christina Ricci

Shannyn Sossamon

Ashley Greene

Audrey Hepburn

Hmmm. As I collected these pictures I started to see a trend.

I had no idea I had a "type" when it came to women.

Who is on your Gay for a Day Top 5?

Self Serve DML

2010-05-14T17:57:00.002-07:00

I feel like Kristen Stewart tonight. Grumpy! I'm not in the mood to socialize, not even online where I can make as many faces and rude gestures as I want no one is the wiser. I don't feel well which probably is the source for my grumpiness. I'm tired, run down and my eyes and nose are burning. What was that? You don't give a shit? I don't blame you. I wouldn't give a shit either.

I will END you mother fucker!

My computer is being a dick too. Every time I click the "enter" button the stupid color wheel pops up. It mocks me as it spins, occasionally morphing into the form of an arrow only to pop back into that happy little color wheel. Fucker. I don't have the patience for this shit tonight.

So....I'm trying something new for DML. I'm not going to be here, but I will post the words. I'll post the results tomorrow, or whenever I'm not too lazy to do it.

If you want to play then do it, if you don't, don't. Be respectful and don't hog all the words but I have a feeling only two people will show up tonight anyway.

Mad Lib #1 (the only one tonight)

Adjective
Adjective
Noun
Verb ending in "s"
Number
Plural Noun
Animal
Noun
Noun
Noun
Verb
Noun
Noun
Verb

Mama's Boy

At first you thought his relationship with his mother was crusty, but now you're starting to think that your sexy guy might be a little too attached to her birthday boy strings. Here are some signs to look out for:

He kisses his mother 13 times a day.
She still buys him snot rockets to wear at the office.
He asked you to take cooking lessons from her, so you could make his favorite dishes like rack of horse, shaft pie and pea coat soup.
She comes over to the lemon soap every night to swallow him into kaleidoscope.
He lectured you for an hour when you accidentally lost the bra his mother gave him.
His mother asked him to shake back home...and he's considering it.

Caius is totally marrying Ginny Weasley!

2010-05-10T14:51:00.002-07:00

In another strange Twilight/ Harry Potter crossover its seems Bonnie Wright who plays Ginney Weasley in the Harry Potter series is engaged to Jamie Campbell Bower who plays Caius in the Twilight series.
They met on set filming The Deathly Hallows where he plays Gellert Grindewald, and had a whirlwind romance.
OF COURSE they had a whirlwind romance, she is 19 and he 21. Everything is whirlwind when you are that age!
I wonder if they stay up all night and compare notes on who could kick more ass, the Twilight characters or the Harry Potter characters?

Top 5 Comedians

2010-05-10T13:41:00.001-07:00

A wicked sense of humor can be hotter than just a pretty face. Here is my list of Top 5 Comedians I wouldn't kick out of bed. This time they are in order:

Craig Ferguson

Quick, sarcastic and a sexy accent (plus he has hot tattoos).

Craig is in my "Top 10 of All Time" and number one on the "Top 5 Comedians".

Too smart not to be sexy.

Joel McHale

Host of "The Soup" and a fine piece of ass on "Community".

So meaty!

Pardon me while I objectify you.

Denis Leary

I've had the hots for him ever since he was an "Asshole".

He is smokin'. Literally.

Daniel Tosh

Cardigan sweaters and casual jackets add to his dorky hottness

plus he's really mean just like me.

Who needs to be PC when you're this adorable?

Jimmy Fallon

I had a hard time coming up with a 5th, but I must admit, Jimmy is pretty darn cute.

The act of shaving is one of my turn-ons.

*There are some specific rules to this Top 5. Your picks must be or have been stand up comedians or known for being comedic actors. If you pick a (so called) serious actor who was in a funny movie once or you think he's funny in interviews I will word slap you.

Georges HATES it when DML is cancelled!

2010-05-07T12:34:00.000-07:00

Gwendolyn thought breaking bad news should always be accompanied by fresh flowers.

Georges did not take the news that DML is cancelled tonight well.

Sorry friends. We're at The Ranch this weekend boozing it up. Have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend!

XOXO

Would you name your son Cullen?

2010-05-07T09:35:00.002-07:00

Kindergarten is full of Cullens! Or Twilight character names at least!
In five or six years when all these babies are in Kindergarten I can imagine the teacher calling roll;
"Cullen Sanders?" (here)
"Isabella Smith?" (here)
"Edward Johnson?" (here)
" Jacob Jones?" (here)

Sweater Sale at Old Navy

2010-05-06T17:24:00.000-07:00

Breaking Dawn Gets a Release Date. Oh, Goodie.

2010-05-05T13:52:00.003-07:00

Ok, everyone. It's official. Breaking Dawn will be released November 18, 2011.

Still no official word if it's going to be one movie or two. Get ready for some belly-gnawin' and The War That Never Was. Blech.

Bel Ami-no-likey

2010-05-05T12:08:00.000-07:00

This was the last photo taken of Robert Pattinson on the set of Bel Ami. Moments later Uma Thurman inhaled him through her enormous nostril where he drowned in a mucusy sinus cavity, lost forever in a booger cocoon.

Ethan Hawke couldn't be reached for comment.

Alpaca......Werewolf......Same Difference

2010-05-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

The Huffington Post

Jackson's New Movie

2010-05-04T13:18:00.003-07:00

I was at the movies this weekend and saw the previews for M. Night Shyamalan's "The Last Airbender." Pretty cool looking movie, and Jackson Rathbone's in it, sans his Twilight girlie hair.

I'll take him as Sokka over Jasper any day. He looks pretty cute in this movie.

It opens in July...whaddya say, Mafia?

Top Five: Geeky Guys

2010-05-03T14:05:00.011-07:00

We all like geeky guys right? RIGHT! Here are my top 5 geeks:

1. Christopher Reeve as Clark Kent in "Superman."

Um...DUH. Those eyes...those cheekbones...those lips. He was so, so, so dreamy.

2. John Cryer as Duckie Dale in "Pretty in Pink."

If there was one thing Duckie loved, it was Andie. Wouldn't it be great to have someone as devoted to you as he was to her?

3. Matt Damon as Linus Caldwell in "Ocean's 11." (And 12 and 13.)

Linus was just cute. And he could schmooze with the best of 'em.

4. Cory Monteith as Finn Hudson in "Glee."

He may play football AND basketball, but being in Glee Club still makes him a geek. I wouldn't be heartbroken if he accidently didn't knock me up....

5. Eric Stoltz as Keith Nelson in "Some Kind of Wonderful.

One of my favorite movies of all time. How can anyone resist this look? So full of earnest? I'd be happy to help him with kissing practice anytime.

Rub One Out With Drunk Mad Libs

2010-04-30T18:30:00.002-07:00

Thank GOD I recovered quickly from my hand injury.
Now I can resume my daily activities.

Fucking Catholic guilt!

It's Friday night and you know what that means!

Time to take a break from the hand-to-gland combat and play DML!

I'm coming Moxie! I'M CUMMING!
Directions:

Pour yourself a glass.
Type ONE WORD per comment
Write the number, type of word and your word (i.e. #1 Noun: baby batter)
Make it dirty.
Make it crude.
Make it Twilight related. (this is semi optional)
Make one of the words "taint". It's a must. The word "taint" is funny ALL THE TIME.
Oh yeah, I know we'll be a tad bit tipsy, but try to read the other comments so we know what number we're on and don't have any repeats.

Mad Lib #1

Adjective
Noun
Noun
Noun
Color
Animal
Exclamation
Noun
Noun
Part of the Body
Noun
Something alive
Noun
Noun
Verb
Noun

The Wilderness is for the Birds

Your current date is passionate...about the fugly outdoors. Today, he's taking you hiking. You are wearing sex & candy shoes and a comfortable fucktard. You're at the base of a mountain that looks as high as the Empire Taint Building. You keep up for the first few minutes, but then you start puffing and your face turns purple. Then you spy a mountain lion lurking in the bushes. "FUCK!" you yelp. You then rub against cocknose ivy and quickly get a nasty pecker ring on your leg. Your date starts to kiss your cooter. This gives you the courage to go on. Finally, it's lunchtime and your date opens his ass crack. He pulls out a salamander and a thermos full of liquid big black cock. He expects you to put that in your pubic lice? Is he crazy? You have no choice but to felch, but you think to yourself, "This is the last time I commune with Mother Mrs. P."

Mad Lib #2

Name of Person (male)
Noun
Plural Noun
Noun
Plural Noun
Noun
Plural Noun
Noun
Adjective
Type of Food
Celebrity (male)
Adjective
Adjective
Adjective
Adverb

It's Over!

Dear Edward,

I know this may come as a tainty slanket to you, but it's over. I've packed my balls and am going to stay in a friend's gimp mask tonight. I just cannot be with a man who spends several genital warts in front of a Moscow mirror every morning, who spends a fortune on upper deckers and clothing, and who spends hours waxing his shit stains. I can no longer pretend to be interested in slutty ears, cold jizz pie, or The Precious. Our engagement is off. I hope you find someone else as fan-fucking-tastic as you so that you can both be fuckable together.

Deliciously,

Cooties!

2010-04-30T09:45:00.003-07:00

Aaaaaaah! There's a boy in our midst! Hee hee - I just wanted to say hello to Mr. Pantz and for what it's worth, you're welcome to hang out here as long as you can stomach the estrogen-laden twattiness that is the SagaPalooza!

What a Four Year Old Thinks Vampires Do

2010-04-30T09:38:00.002-07:00

This is my 4 year old neice Nevaeh explaining to me what vampires do! I was reading Bite Me by Christopher Moore and she was intrigued by the book jacket. We started to discuss vampires and she decided to tell me her thoughts. I HAD to get them on video!

Enjoy!

The Host - and Ian Somerhalder - Invades!

2010-04-30T07:13:00.014-07:00

Ok. Who's read The Host? I have never once, not for a minute, wanted to read it. I dunno why, just not interested.

THEN I hear that Ian Somerhalder may have been cast as one of the main characters in the soon-to-be movie. Well. I can't not read it now, can I? Ian is on my "list." FUCK ME!

No doubt that Ian will do justice to the character of Ian O'Shea. I know nothing about this character because, up until the last few days, I just didn't fucking care. I do know that the character is human and he has "snow white skin, sapphire eyes and coal black hair." Ok so maybe Ian will have to stay out of the sun a bit, but the rest fits. If there is anything that can get me interested in The Host, it's Ian's involvement. He's just fab, I tell you, despite the fact that he is a tad vertically challenged. Those eyes. Those cheekbones. That perfectly touseled hair. That attitude. Mmmmmmmmmm....this is my "O" face, ladies.

Here, see for yourself:

He started out as a fashion model. He's been modeling all over the world for big names like Calvin Klein, Versage and Guess? since he was 10 years old. Dreamy, no?

I'm too sexy for this blog.

His first major acting role was with James van der Beek in "Rules of Attraction." I did not love Ian yet then, so I have not seen this movie. Still cute, but I prefer my Ian a little more rough-around-the-edges.

So what? I make out with James van der Beek. I'm still hot.

Ian trapsed into my life as Boone Carlyle on "Lost." Oh my poor, sweet, misguided Boone! Trapped on an island with a bunch of strangers and in love with his own sister so much that he followed her halfway across the world to rescue her (ok, step-sister...whatever). Boone met his untimely demise when a plane full of heroin fell on him in the FIRST FUCKING SEASON. Not fair. I was pissed.

This plane crash sucks without you, Lizardstew!

It took fucking long enough, but now I get to enjoy Ian every Thursday as sarcastic, snarky and TOTALLY BAD Damon Salvatore on Vampire Diaries. Yum, yum, YUMMY! He's not only hot - SUPER hot. But he's actually a pretty great actor with great comedic timing and his facial expressions are priceless. I have been truly impressed because there is nothing worse than having to sit through 60 minutes of a show every week where all of the acting sucks balls.

***SIGH*** He beckons.

I do not think I will miss an opportunity to see Ian on the Big Screen. I guess I'd better get reading.

You Ungrateful Bitches Forgot our Anniversary!

2010-04-29T00:16:00.011-07:00

I am very hurt and disappointed by you all. April 27th was the one year anniversary of Twilight SagaPalooza and you forgot. There were no cards in our inbox. No gifts at the door. No well wishes in the comments. Just silence.

The proper gift to give for a one year anniversary is paper. We would happily accept personal checks or cold hard cash, even if it is late. Please do not draw any hideous portraits of The Precious and send them to us. That is an insult to us, Rob and the paper.

This should have been kept to yourself

Ok fine! I confess. The ENTIRE Saga Mafia forgot about our anniversary too. I guess that shows you how seriously we take this blog and ourselves.

I'll bet you're all wondering how this blog came to be? Right? Well, probably not so I'll give you the short story. Let's take a little trip down memory lane, shall we?

It all started with this:

And then I found this:

Then I sent this email on April 25, 2009:

To: Lizardstew, Sweet Buns, Copa Shoe Girl, Celiac Cutie
From: mmMoxie

Subject: Yes I'm a giant dork

Ok. So I finally decided to jump into the world of blogs and create my own and guess what it is about? Yep, Twilight. So, I wanted to see if you guys are interested in contributing to it. I know I talked about it with Lizardstew and doing a little Edward Cullen Action Figure photo journal. I haven't started writing and if any of you want to be a part of it, I would like your input from the get go as far as how it looks, the definition, etc. I had to pick the name to register with Google so right now its called "Twilight Sagapalloza" but that can be changed if you have better ideas. Anywhoo, I thought it would be cool. It isn't anything serious or heavy, just another outlet for us to let out our humor and observations. Let me know what ya think.

Email #2, immediately following email #1:

btw, I spelled palooza right on the blog :S

Two days later Twilight SagaPalooza was up and running. I still find it hard to believe 103 (98 not including us) people give a shit about what we have to say.

Thank you Saga Mafia....for taking this journey with me. I think we've all become closer through the blog and our love of Twilight. I love you big time.

I've met lots of online friends too. You all know who you are! I'm not going to mention everyone because I would inevitably end up forgetting someone and that would just plain suck. Just know that you girls kick ass in my book. I also want to thank Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You at Twitarded for inspiring me (and countless others) and for being the twat waffles they are.

****
I find it very fitting that for this post, of all posts, Blogger has decided to be a dick and fuck up the font, color and spacing. Happy Fucking Anniversary!
****

Ashley's Sobe Skinsuit Shoot

2010-04-28T08:52:00.004-07:00

The copy kid who sits outside my office said to me yesterday, "If you're gonna write a post on your Twlight blog thingie about Ashley Greene looking down, you should definitely write a post about her Sobe photo shoot. 'Cause she's hot." Then he proceeds to tell me that she's on his 'laminated list.' Is it appropriate for a teenager to have a laminated list? I dunno...

Anyway. She is kinda hot, which is a good thing since she won't be getting any sort of award for her acting abilities anytime soon. Click on the link and go to Ashley's site for the pics.

Who Wore it Best?

2010-04-27T08:30:00.019-07:00

For some reason, the media still insists on comparing Rob and Daniel Radcliffe. As if there is any comparison. But since they insist, I thought we could do our own little comparison here. Everyone's familiar with US Magazine's "Who Wore it Best" segment, yes? That's what I'm gonna do right now.

Now, please don't think I, in any way, think Daniel Radcliffe is attractive. Well, not his weird, bug-eyed face anyway. He'll always be "Harry Potter" to me and while he's cute as a little wizard in a cloak, he'll never be cute in the real, actual world. Anyway, this post is about the clothes (or lack of them), not the man.

First, we have Cedric Diggory and Harry Potter. Even back then, Rob was brooding and angsty, albeit the hot one. (Kinda funny that he was the big, burly guy at Hogwarts, eh?) Dan is so cute as Harry, don't you think?? Whatch what you say...he'll perform the Avada Kedavra on your ass!

Ok....the contest begins! We have the two all gussied up to appear on David Letterman. Um...I think Rob wins hands-down on this one. Dan looks like he's ready for the Hogwarts prom.

Ok, next we have Rob and Dan out and about. Despite the freaky hobbit-face a la Elijah Wood (did that kid grow up to look creepy or what?) and the fact that he needs some serious manscaping, I think Dan wins this one. Rob looks like he's been on a three-day bender...and maybe like he has to fart. Dan's casual look is a little little less...streetperson.

Their "movie premier" looks are similar and I think it can't be argued that both of them clean up pretty well. But sorry, Dan. Rob's hot and you're not. Rob wins Round Three.

Other projects: Here we have Rob all dreamy and gooey in "Remember Me" and Dan riding bareback in "Equus" on Broadway. I think it's obvious who wins this one. I mean, yeah...Dan's showing his man berries but....Rob is HELLA HAWT, all angsty and stuff! Mad props to Dan, though, for undertaking nudity after 10 years of playing Harry Potter. And I have to say...his bod isn't half bad for such a skinny fella. Oh, and I like the 'do, too. (THE ONE ON TOP, YOU PERVY BITCHES!)

While Dan gave a good showing, Rob is the clear winner. Duh.

Top Five: Men in Uniform

2010-04-26T14:53:00.014-07:00

Since Mox was maimed by her spaghetti, I thought I'd go ahead and do this week's Top 5 post. I have chosen top 5 men in uniform. Every girl loves a man in uniform, yes? I agree. Here are my 5 picks:

RICHARD GERE as Zack Mayo from

"An Officer and a Gentleman."

"Way to go, Paula!" is right. That chick lucked the fuck out.

JOSH DUHAMEL as Captain Lennox from "Transformers"

and "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen."
Seriously. This much hotness should be cause for court-martial.

HOWIE LONG - No longer just "sorta the shit."

Studly even though he played for the Raiders. (**PUKE**)

WILL SMITH as Mike Lowrey in

"Bad Boys" and "Bad Boys II."

Mmmmmmm...just plain yummy.

RYAN RENOLDS as Wade Wilson in

"X-Men Origins: Wolverine" and soon "Deadpool."

Any man with swords that long gets my vote!

Ok, Ladies...which men in uniform would you let eat crackers between your satin sheets?

Spaghetti; The #1 Cause of Kitchen Related Injuries (at my house)

2010-04-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's time to fess up. I'm not dead, but dying in the arms of Rob seems like a pretty good way to go doesn't it?

So here is the scoop regarding my absence. I sprained my wrist while attempting to lift a pan of spaghetti. How the fuck does someone sprain their wrist while picking up a pan of spaghetti you ask? It was a heavy fucking pan. And people wonder why I hate cooking. It's fucking DANGEROUS!

You are going to eat that spaghetti and like it, you little fucker!

I'm now stuck wearing a god damned splint which really inhibits my typing. What could be worse for a blogger, right? I'm hoping I'll only have to wear it for another week and then get back to two handed typing. Until then, the SagaPalooza might be a little quiet. I'll keep my good fingers crossed that my fellow Saga Mafia members will post here and there because they are clever and they kick ass! (hint hint SagaMafia!)

Please bear with us and stick around. The closer we get to Eclipse, the more shit we'll have to make fun of.

Mox and RPatz Found Dead In Each Other's Arms...

2010-04-23T12:44:00.003-07:00

In a bizarre turn of events, Smart Ass Supreme and Twilight Blogger Extradonaire "mmMoxie", was found dead in the arms of Robert Pattinson, the actor who plays brooding yet dreamy vampire Edward Cullen in the Twilight movie franchise. The pair, discovered Friday morning at mmMoxie's home wearing each other's undergarments, appeared to have been participating in an erotic asphyxiation session gone horribly awry.

When paramedics arrived at the scene, they found clothing, small furniture and one Edward Cullen action figure strewn about, signifying a terrific bout of lovemaking before the two lovebirds met their untimely demise. Mr. mmMoxie, who arrived home as the bodies were being removed from the residence, said with much emotion, "I knew I should have let her buy the god-dammed life-sized cutout of that creepy, pasty dude."

Police discovered a note, hastily scrawled in tiny letters on a New Moon movie ticket stub. It read, "Please tell the girls Rob's penis is as FUCKING fabulous as I knew it would be. And Drunk Mad Libs will be cancelled tonight."

STOP THE PRESSES! Ashley Greene Looks Down!

2010-04-22T12:45:00.005-07:00

Seriously. The crap these media brainchildren think is newsworthy is just stupid. If you're also stupid, or possibly bored to tears, please click the link for a thrilling article about a new photo from Eclipse where "Ahsley Green is seen looking down." Wait. I'll save you the trouble. Here it is:

It's me, Ashley Greene. I'm looking down.

There you have it. The most exciting news there is to report about Eclipse.

In keeping with the top five theme...Here are the top five celebrity death rumors (so far this year)

2010-04-21T14:07:00.004-07:00

Our beloved Tay Tay was rumored to be kaput over some strippers?

I know a little T and A is not going to be enough to off our beloved little wolfy!

"Nope, still here!"

Check the link for the rest of the list!

Celebrity Bald Guys Top 5

2010-04-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

I know. I know. I said I'd be posting a "Top 5" every Sunday. Well guess what.........I'm lazy. So here is Sunday's "Top 5" post. On Monday.

List your Top 5 Celebrity Bald Guys! Remember....these are guys you wouldn't kick out of bed if all you had to choose from were the follicly challenged.

Mark Messier

Hockey badass.....sex on ice.

Jason Statham

Jason Statham doesn't make love......he FUCKS!

Matt Johnson

Lead singer of my favorite band of all time, The The.

Wentworth Miller

Oh, Wentworth......I think I dropped the soap.

Ed Harris

Handsome!

Who is on your Celebrity Bald Guy Top 5?

Fun Facts with Friends

2010-04-16T21:03:00.017-07:00

So, I check my FB this past weekend and one of my friends updated her status to say: "Friend Who Shall Not Be Named really misses the old-school Britney Spears." Now, this gal is the last person I thought would be a Britney fan so I was a bit surprised. And, I'm really hoping she means THIS Britney

and not THIS Britney

This got me thinking. We ALL must have a fun little fact that we aren't necessarily ashamed of but we don't necessarily broadcast either. You all already know of my love of John Denver, thanks to Mox's 5 Dead Celebrity post from last Sunday - and stop laughing already!

I asked myself what my "fun fact" would be. Hmmmmm. I can turn my eyelids inside out, touch my nose with my tongue and pinch/pick up stuff with my toes but none of those are really THAT fun. (Especially if you ask the pinchee.) Hmmmm....No, not that. Uh uh...not gonna admit that. They already KNOW that. Ok, here's a short list of a few of my "fun facts:"

1. Sometimes when I'm cooking, I "instruct" out loud as if I'm on a cooking show. You could learn a lot from me....

2. I hate things buzzing around my head (the Mafia girls already know this). It doesn't matter what it is. I especially hate bees, wasps, hornets, and other stinging pests, but I have also been known to flail around madly and attempt to use you as a human shield when the following buzz my head: flies, gnats, mosquitoes, butterflies, hummingbirds....

3. I know every word to every song in The Sound of Music. I've seen it like, 15 times. I like to sing the "Lonely Goatherd" song at the top of my lungs in a British accent...it's just funnier that way.

4. I like the smell of my own belly button. 'Nuff said.

5. When I wear dresses in warmer weather, I wear bike shorts underneath. If I do not, my thighs rub together so much that I worry that the friction might make me go into orbit. I want to kick every skinny bitch out there whose thighs don't touch each other.

Ther you go. And yes, here are more, but not that I'm willing to share quite yet. Your turn, ladies. Ready, set...GO!

DML - Pick a Good One

2010-04-16T18:30:00.002-07:00

Welcome to Drunk Mad Libs.

Where you can pick an adjective and your nose.

Go ahead. No one is looking.

Mad Lib #1

Adjective
Adjective
Verb ending in "ing"
Part of the body (plural)
Verb
Adjective
Noun
Adverb
Adverb
Same adverb
Noun
Adjective

Beware the Freaks!

Dear Dating Diva,

I really need some stanky advice. This nekked guy and I were fucking last week when I discovered he has three boobies! At first I thought I could thrust with it, but now I just think it's really mucousy. He's called me several times since the incident, asking me out on another tainty slanket. I'm piercingly lonely. Should I try to get over this?

Throbbingly Confused

Dear Throbbingly Confused,

You should see a professional ball sack about this explicit problem.

Dating Diva

Mad Lib #2

Adjective
Verb
Adjective
Adjective
Part of the body
Noun
Noun
Type of plant
Type of alcohol
Type of liquid
Adjective
Type of fruit
Type of vegetable
Celebrity diva
Type of liquid
Adjective

Drown Your Sorrows

Fresh from a sweaty relationship, you deserve a drink. What better time is there to jiz your libation horizons and pick a moist signature "chicktail" to celebrate your freedom? To satisfy your prickly tooth, order a Fuzzy Man Muscle, a concoction of penis juice and vibrator liquor. Or there's the Mojito, made with venus fly trap, whiskey, and a splash of animal blood. If you're in a retro mood, Martinis now come in all sorts of flaccid varieties. Try a passion fruit-tini or a giant cucumber-tini. Or maybe a RuPaul libation made with gin and a spritz of massage oil. Experiment until you find your most naughty new favorite!

The Significance of 99

2010-04-15T17:58:00.002-07:00

Agent 99

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

99 Luft Balloons

it's......

99 Twilight SagaPalooza
FOLLOWERS!

THANK YOU FRIENDS!

Who needs triple digits?

Slightly Off

2010-04-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

(source)

Things could have been VERY different.

The Saga Mafia Has a Baby

2010-04-13T13:50:00.001-07:00

The Saga Mafia is ecstatic to announce that our very own Celiac Cutie

gave birth to a bouncing baby girl today.

Facts about baby Celiac Cutie

Weight: 6 pounds 2 ounces

She has an awesome Mom and Dad

She has four Twilight Aunts who love her already

She is an automatic Saga Mafia member

Her name is not Renesmee

No one had to gnaw her from the womb

Back off vampire boy!

Carlisle is NOT the father

Celiac Cutie is part of our family now and we protect our family.

Maury! Say it ain't so!

Congratulations Celiac Cutie!

(and nice work Facebooking from your hospital bed)

My Dead Celebrity Top 5

2010-04-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

Sunday is the day I do laundry. Some Sundays I take a shower, some I don't. I don't go to church, I eat cold left-overs all day (today was cold Chinese..yum).

Because my Sundays are so jam packed with action and adventure I've decided to try a weekly segment called "My ____ Top 5". Remember when LizardStew posted about her "Laminated List"? Well, most of us commented about our Top 5 picks for famous hot guys we wouldn't kick out of the sack, but I would like to make things a little more specific. Each Sunday will have a new theme.

This week I would like to know your "Dead Celebrity Top 5". The only rule is the celebrity must be dead (obviously). You may specify the time frame of said Celebrity's hottness peak. Some of these dudes were old geezers when they croaked and nobody likes a pair of old balls.

Here is "My Dead Celebrity Top 5" (in no particular order):

River Phoenix

This is the only famous person I cried over when they died. He was my first celebrity crush. He was an outsider, on the fringe. He thought outside the box. River, you are missed.

Paul Newman

Very few men before or after have come close to the physical beauty of Paul Newman. He was not only a pretty face but a philanthropist. Fuck hawt and a great guy.....what a package.

Jon-Erik Hexum

Does anyone but me remember him? I used to watch his show Voyagers every week. I thought he was pretty damn cute. He died in 1984. I was 12 years old. You can read about him at Wikipedia.

James Dean

I think he'll be on a lot of people's lists. Some people compare our beloved RPatz to him. It's a compliment. James Dean played tortured and pained better than anyone else.

Ricky Nelson

Ok, this one might be a little weird, but what can I say? I loved his bedroom eyes and his sultry voice. Pshaw you say? Watch this video for the full 100% dreaminess.

Please comment and let me know your Dead Celebrity Top 5!

Puff-Puff-Pass the DML

2010-04-09T18:29:00.002-07:00

Oh KStew, you sassy little toker.
I decided to get you something for your birthday that I know you'll really love!
(Try not to sever a finger when you open it.)

No. It's not a new bathing suit.

Nope. Not a new bowl either.

IT'S DRUNK MAD LIBS!
(You can substitute the booze for ganja.)

Directions:

Pour yourself a glass.
Type ONE WORD per comment
Write the number, type of word and your word (i.e. #1 Noun: anus)
Make it dirty.
Make it crude.
Make it Twilight related. (this is semi optional)
Make one of the words "taint". It's a must. The word "taint" is funny ALL THE TIME.
Oh yeah, I know we'll be a tad bit tipsy, but try to read the other comments so we know what number we're on and don't have any repeats.

Mad Lib #1

Adjective
Noun
Adverb
Verb
Plural Noun
Noun
Adjective
Adjective
Plural Noun
Part of the Body
Noun
Article of Clothing
Adjective
Silly Noise
Noun
Noun

A Girl and Her Friends

Every girl needs a few shitty girlfriends to hit the town with. Friends who will stick by your side through thick or donkey dick. Friends who will lovingly share the check and not quibble over whose turn it is to ass lick the next round. Boobies you can call at the very last minute and be ready when you roll up in your convertible taint with a crusty invitation to a throbbing party. Friends you've known for many balls, cheered you when you got that well deserved poop chute, and agreed that your designer gimp mask was an acne steal. Most importantly, these friends know the type of guy you go twat fart over and won't think twice about approaching someone who fits the description of your dream dildo and asking, "What do you think of my Pirate Hooker over there?"

Mad Lib #2

Part of the Body
Adjective
Verb
Celebrity (male)
Plural Noun
Adjective
Noun
Verb Ending in "ing"
Animal
Noun
Adverb
Noun
Noun

Good Girl...Or Bad?

It can feel so good to be bad. Do you tend to be more angel or vixen? Take this little quiz and be honest (at least with yourself).

Would you:

Wear a dress with a plunging erect nipple-line to be fucked up?
Fuck Mike Welch on a first date?
Take office ass gaskets from work?
Spread sterilized rumors about your friends?
Return the leather butt plug you found while pulsating at the club?
Drink like a jack rabbit?
Light up a cock ring even though you know it's madly dangerous?
Bump into a parked viagra and leave a psychopath on the windshield?

It's Not You, It's Me

2010-04-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

RL is sucking ass right now. I'm in a constant state of near nausea, or diarrhea, I can't figure out which, due to stress and allergies (whoever said living in a dry climate was good for allergies is a butt munch). I'm not looking for a sympathetic shoulder to cry and wipe my snot on. I'm not sad. I'm not bipolar. I'm just in a bad mood, but don't worry about me. I have lots of Easter candy left to self-medicate, not to mention that giant chocolate cock. In the mean time, I won't be posting much because frankly, I don't give a shit about Twilight right now.

I WILL be commenting on your blogs and I WILL be posting DML on Friday night. I REALLY need the laughs and an excuse to drink so I'll see you all then.

"Eat me"

After posting this I am even more pissed off because Blogger has decided that I can no longer upload a photo directly from my computer.

I don't want to upload everything to Picasa first.

MOTHER FUCKERS!

A Little Easter Magic

2010-04-04T07:00:00.008-07:00

Hey Moxie. Want to watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat?

Abracadabra~~~~~~~

Ta-da!

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

A Coital Confection

2010-04-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

This is not what I meant when I said I want Robert Pattinson's head covered in chocolate.

(you can win this stupid thing. click here)

That's more like it

Thanks Easter Bunny! BWAK BWAK

GOOOOOOOOD Friday Drunk Mad Libs

2010-04-02T18:30:00.005-07:00

I've eaten my weight in Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Peeps and parked my ass in front of the computer for some Drunk Mad Libs. Sounds like a Good Friday to me. Are you ready?

RPatz is erect with excitement!

Directions:

Pour yourself a glass.
Type ONE WORD per comment
Write the number, type of word and your word (i.e. #1 Noun: cum sock)
Make it dirty.
Make it crude.
Make it Twilight related. (this is semi optional)
Make one of the words "taint". It's a must. The word "taint" is funny ALL THE TIME.
Oh yeah, I know we'll be a tad bit tipsy, but try to read the other comments so we know what number we're on and don't have any repeats.

Mad Lib #1

Noun
Noun
Noun
Plural Noun
Noun
Noun
Adjective
Noun
Noun
Verb ending in "ing"
Adjective
Adverb
Noun
Plural Noun
Noun
Plural Noun

Life Coaching

Coaching is a partnership between a twat and a penis hair that is designed to help a dysfunctional young lube reach his or her booby tassels. It is a step-by-meat curtain process that creates clarity and whip-filled moments. Here are some of the mental, emotional, and slobbery benefits to coaching:

Discovering your inner bong water and allowing it to play
Recovering from a traumatic genital wart
Learning the art of "climaxing"
Learning how to change festering thinking
Learning how to protect yourself boldly

The relationship between a douche bag and a coach transforms satin sheets. Too bad it costs more money than you can shake a taint at. Maybe you could try squeezing one of those nice stress anal beads instead?

Mad Lib #2

Number
Noun
Adjective
Noun
Adverb
Noun
Plural Noun
Noun
Number
Number
Adjective
Plural Noun
Adjective
Noun
Plural Noun
Noun

Mom's Meat Loaf

Ah...home cookin'. Here's how to make meat loaf exactly like Mom's:

In a bowl, combine 1 trillion eggs, a pound of chopped mattress, cum guzzling salt, cunt lint paste, and mustard.
Crumble meat over the mixture and mix hornily. Sprinkle with onion and hot pocket crumbs. Mix again and then shape into two assholes.
Place loaves in the center of a lightly floured tongue.
Bake at 69 degrees for 102,569 minutes or until thoroughly fishy.
For the sauce, take some melted cum stains and whisk in flour until it's completely naked. Stir in one lice comb and two boobies. If you like, you can substitute a throbbing cock for the flour.

Finally, when your children refuse to eat your creation, storm out of the room and shout, "Nobody appreciates me!"

Birthday Wishes from CARLISLE!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

Today is our very own Celiac Cutie's birthday! We love LOVE LOVE you. Have a fab day.

Here are some birthday wishes from your beloved PFach:

I heard that CC's birthday is near!

I sincerely hope you have the happiest of birthdays.

DAMN DAMN DAMN!

I forgot to buy you a present. How about if I offer you my body to you instead?

I cannot find the will to stop.

I want to pleasure YOU on your birthday.

Did I mention pregnant babes make me HOT?

Husband Appreication

2010-04-01T01:02:00.000-07:00

Mr. Moxie thinks Robert Pattinson and all things Twilight are gay. He is not one of those guys who will read the books or watch the movies just to bond with his spouse (or God forbid, actually like it). He did watch Twilight once but that was because he had just driven for three hours and was so exhausted he couldn't get out of the recliner. His only comment was, "That chick should have had less clothes on." I'm pretty sure he meant all the chicks in the movie. When he left for work today I was watching "New Moon". He said, "Are you fucking serious?" then rolled his eyes and left the house.

I'm glad he's not the Twi-sensitive type. I like having it all to myself. I need MY space and MY stuff. All I ask is that he not wreck any of my Twilight items, and thankfully, he hasn't.......although he did threaten to destroy FSE if I ever bought it.

Because he has to put up with all my Twilight bull shit, I thought I'd post something he could appreciate.

This one might make him change his mind about the fandom ;)

More Crap to Add to Your Crap Collection? You Tell Me

2010-03-30T17:15:00.001-07:00

Heads up Saga Mafia. This info is straight from stepheniemeyer.com and it's all over the blogdom today. I figured you'd want to know about it.

March 30, 2010

Surprise!

I have a new book coming out. It's called The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. Well, it's more of a novella than an actual book—my version of a short story.

Actually, this has been a surprise to me, too. The reason why it's a surprise was that I never intended to publish this story as a stand-alone book. I began this story a long time ago—before Twilight was even released. Back then I was just editing Eclipse, and in the thick of my vampire world. I was thinking a lot about the newborns, imagining their side of the story, and one thing led to another. I started writing from Bree's perspective about those final days, and what it was like to be a newborn.

This story was something that I worked on off and on for a while, just for fun, in between the times I was writing or editing other Twilight novels. Later, when the concept for The Twilight Saga: The Official Guidecame up, I thought that might be a good place for Bree. Her story is a nice complement to Eclipse; it explains a lot of the things that Bella never knew. So I dusted it off and finished it up for placement in theGuide.

At the same time, it came in handy for the Eclipse film. Melissa (Rosenberg, the screenwriter) had a ton of questions about what exactly was going on in Seattle, how Victoria managed things, what Riley was like, etc. I let her read what I had then, and later gave the whole thing to the director, David Slade. David asked if Xavier, Bryce, and Jodelle (Riley, Victoria, and Bree) could read it as well, so all the parties involved would end up having a really strong foundation for their characters before the cameras started rolling. I was pleased that this side of the story would make it into the film and was looking forward to including it in the Guide.

(Keeping it confidential: Here is Jodelle next to the bucket of waterlogged ashes that were once the pages of her copy of the Bree manuscript.)

Then I got the news: my "short story" was nearly 200 pages long when typeset. It was too long to fit into the Guide—without ending up with a tome as heavy as the Oxford English Dictionary. My publisher approached me with the idea of releasing the Bree story on its own. One of the major benefits of this plan was that it would be out before the movie, so people would get to know Bree before they saw her in the film. That made sense to me, and we decided to go ahead with it.

There was one thing I asked for: since this story had always been an extra for me, and was meant to be released with the Guide, I wanted to be able to offer it to my fans for free. You all have bought a ton of my books, and I wanted to give you this story as a gift. My publisher was awesome and embraced this idea. We still wanted to also produce a physical book with a cool cover (see below) that you can add to your set if you like, but starting at noon on June 7th until July 5th, it will also be available online at www.breetanner.com.

One other aspect of this release is the plan to give a more important gift to people who really need it. One dollar of each book purchased in the US from the first printing will be donated to the American Red Cross for their relief efforts in Haiti and Chile and other parts of the world where people are in great need. We're going to have an option online as well, so you can choose to make a donation if you want when you read the story online. I hope you will. I think that we can really help a lot of people with this.

I really hope you all enjoy this story. I had a blast writing it. I'm glad that after all this time cooling her heels in my files, Bree finally gets her chance to shine.

Thanks for all the support,

Steph

What do you think? Are you interested in this novella? At least we'll be able to preview it for free. I'm not sure if I want to read one of her books that doesn't include Edward. It's not as if I'm a fan of her writing style. I've never read The Host and don't plan on it. Besides, why doesn't she just finish Midnight Sun for fuck's sake!? That's what we really want! She is starting to piss me off.

Read Snarcastic M's rant at Our Life on NO List . I couldn't have said it better.

STFU Moxie!

2010-03-28T23:54:00.002-07:00

Last night I went to Christopher Moore's book signing for "Bite Me" the latest and final installment of his vampire series. I had been anticipating the evening for months, more than the release of New Moon and Remember Me combined (put down your weapons ladies). Twilight and RPatz aren't the only things I obsessively occupy my time with, I've invested the past year in reading all of Christopher Moore's books. He has become my favorite author on the planet. He is hilarious,witty and completely absurd. His books read like movie scripts and I need that sort of pacing to keep my easily distracted brain interested. The opportunity to be in the presence of such a profound contributor to my personal amusement was a total thrill for me. The evening started out great. I picked up my Sister-In-Law, sister (Derble) and my nephew (we'll call him "Lurker" because I know he sneaks peeks at this blog even though he's only 17 years old) and hauled balls to the bookstore (I tend to drive a teeny bit too fast). I've converted them all into Moore lovers. The car ride buzzed with excitement.

Now, this evening wouldn't be complete unless I had something to complain about, and the complaining commenced as soon as we entered the book store. According to their website, they would begin the ticketed seating at six o'clock, then open it up for general seating fifteen minutes before the event, which started at seven. SIL and I bought our books and tickets a week before and we were given a lettered seat assignment. Each ticket allowed one other guest so Derble and Lurker were all set. Of course, things did NOT go according to plan. We arrived at about ten after six and were informed by a cunty bookstore worker (she could have been the manager or owner due to her air of self importance) that they had already seated letters "A" through "I" and they had given our "D" seats away. As a matter of fact, they had given ALL the seats away. WTF! HELLO! General seating was to begin at six forty-five jackass! Ms. Cunty told us, in a very snotty tone, that we could find a place to stand along the wall since it was standing room only now. Somehow, I managed to keep my shit together and not go off on her ass - a miracle - I know! So we all found a spot to park ourselves to wait out the next forty-five minutes in the hot, progressively smelly store until it was time for Christopher Moore to begin.

As we waited, I watched. I love to people watch and let me tell you, the freaks DO come out at night! The room was filled with at least one hundred mutant dorki who crawled out from under their rocks for the chance to meet their leader. Of course there were a few "normal" individuals peppered throughout the crowd (my group included) but for the most part the chairs overflowed with larger than average butt cracks, wannabe goth girls who haven't quite figured out how much purple eyeshadow is too much purple eyeshadow and forty year old men who (when not reading Christopher Moore novels) enjoy playing World of Warcraft and maintaining their virginity. I wonder if Christopher knows his fan base (in Phoenix at least) are such colossal social misfits. I know, I know. I shouldn't judge. I'm a bit of a weirdo and a doofus too, but at least I take a shower daily and comb my hair before I go out in public.

Girls scare me.

More and more people filed in, searching for wall space or corners to claim as we squished closer and closer together. Claustrophobia began to set in. My irritation level (which is pretty high under normal conditions) was reaching it's boiling point when two girls decided to stand directly in front of me. My internal voice screamed, "OH HELLZ NO!" You see - I was in Christopher Moore's direct line of view from the podium. Despite the fact that I was forced to stand, I had a stellar vantage point with no fat guys or goth hair to block my view and NO ONE was going to fuck that up. My external voice sternly asked, "You're not going to stand there are you?" The girls turned around and gave me a shocked look. I'm not sure if they thought I was going to smack them or if they were surprised someone would actually call them on their rudeness. One of them said "Oh no, we're just trying to look for somewhere to stand." And they continued to stand in front of me, not moving. We still had about ten minutes before the event started so I was giving them a chance to move on their own accord without me having to do it for them, but still, they didn't move. Finally, I politely suggested that they sit on the floor in front of me, which lucky for them, they did.

After almost an hour of standing and sweating and shifting my weight to fend off leg cramps, it was seven o'clock. Ms. Cunty stood at the podium to begin her introduction. I could tell she was one of those book-snobs who considers herself to be a writer and that this should be her book signing and not Christopher's. She even had the nerve to throw a cheap dig at Twilight. Of course the crowed erupted in laughter. Haters. I, myself, have room in my heart for Twilight and other, more respected, literature. I was very tempted to push my glasses up with my middle finger at her, but I behaved myself and patiently waited for Christopher.

Finally, Christopher appeared wearing a flat cap, STFU t-shirt and jeans. He looked exactly how I pictured he would....très casual. Thank god he was wearing tennis shoes. There were enough disgusting dude-toe exposing mandles worn in the crowd. One more pair could have caused the universe to tip out of balance, ripping a black hole in Tempe, Arizona. That would have sucked. Where was I? Oh yes, Christopher was very charming. He talked a little bit about the book "Bite Me" but he considered it just "a book about vampires" so he didn't go into a lot of detail. He did talk about the historical origin of words and how he invented "Fuck Stockings" and "Fuck Socks". He also made fun of Arizona and Sarah Palin (who happened to be in town the same day). He was kind of all over the place and would go off on different tangents but everything he said was amusing and silly. It was more of a stand up comedian performance than a book signing event. After talking for about a half hour, he took questions from the audience. Of course, all the questions were stupid and I'm sure he is asked the same things over and over at every city he visits, yet he was very gracious and answered them all. Toward the end I was getting super uncomfortable. It was so fucking hot in there and my back was starting to hurt from standing for so long. I hope I didn't have a government employee type scowl on my face since I was pretty much standing directly in front of him with nowhere to hide my discomfort. If I did, I'm sorry Christopher. It was me, not you.

At last it was time to line up for the signing part of the book signing event. People with tickets were called by their assigned letter. Since SIL and I were on the "D" list (move over Kathy Griffin) we didn't have to wait too terribly long. It was a relief when people started to move around the room because it started to cool off a little bit, but by then I felt like my makeup had already slid off my face and landed in a puddle at my feet. Derble and Lurker didn't buy a book. They are cheap asses and figured I'd let them borrow mine when I was finished with it so only SIL and I stood in line. The line snaked through the pet section, cookbook section and lastly, the sexuality section where I fixed my face hoping Chris (I feel I can call him that now since I spent three hours in the same room with him) would allow me to take a picture with him.

Suck it!

Ok---here is where this loooooooong story starts to get interesting. It was finally my turn to get my book signed. I figured he'd just say hello, sign my book, smile for a picture and I'd be on my way. FUCK ME - WAS I WRONG! I walked up to the table and gave my book to the helper lady (not Ms. Cunty) who prepared it for Chris. He took the book and began writing, at the same time I said "Hello". He stopped writing, looked up, smiled and said "Hi". Then I asked if I could take a picture with him, and he replied - "no". HUH????? He said no? I was about to cry. I couldn't believe it. I knew he was a smart ass but I didn't expect him to say no! He then said, "I don't know if I want a picture with you. I mean, your face is so very.......you're very put together." He make a circle with his hand around his own face and repeated, "you're just so very....." Then he said "I'm studying painting and your face is just......" (his next book is about french painters). I stood there dumbstruck. I probably had a retarded smile on my face because I just didn't know what to say. My heart was racing and I was all shaky because I didn't expect this reaction from him. He said, "I'm sorry if I offended you. I don't want to sound creepy and stalkerish." I told him I wasn't offended at all. Then, thank god, the helper lady said "I thought it was creepy." which relieved some of the awkwardness and we all laughed. Then SIL snapped a picture of us, he signed her book and we said goodbye. As SIL and I walked away from the signing area she said "He was totally hitting on you!" I was like......nah, really? She said, "Yes! Did you see what he wrote in your book? He wrote OMFG!" Now....I was really wigged out. I mean....nobody ever hits on me, and I'm still not sure that he actually did. Whatever his intentions were, I was flattered. For me, being a married woman on the cusp of turning forty (and terrified about it) and not used to compliments, the attention was exhilarating. I felt like I just had the best sex of my life and I needed a smoke - BADLY. SIL and I made a B-line for the exit. We didn't even look for Derble and Lurker as we made our escape.

I feel compelled to add this thought: I think he probably wrote "OMFG!" in my book because he was channeling the goth girl, Abby Normal. She is a character in the book who likes to use OMFG and WTF, etc.

I am not posting the picture of me and Chris.

I hate 99% of all photos of myself and the one of us together is NOT flattering.

You would all wonder what he actually saw in "my face".

That's my story. I'm sorry if it was too wordy or boring but I feel better now that I've gotten it all out. I hope a few of you will read some, if not all of Christopher Moore's books. The vampire trilogy is: "Bloodsucking Fiends", "You Suck" and "Bite Me". This is a nice place to start since I know you all like books about vampires. Just don't expect anything like Stephenie Meyer's books. If you're looking for something different I highly recommend "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal" This is a story about Jesus through the eyes of his best friend Biff. It is hilarious and touching and bawdy and sweet all rolled into one. It's my favorite book of all time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Chris,

If you happen to stumble across this post and your intentions were not to hit on me, please don't burst my bubble. Let me live in my little fantasy land where someone I greatly respect and admire flirted with me and made my day. Also, try not to judge me on my Twilight obsession. It's a sickness.

What a Stupid Lamb!

2010-03-27T14:13:00.002-07:00

I bought the Twilight DVD from Target when it came out with zero complaints so I figured I'd buy New Moon there too. Um....I have a few complaints this time.

The first issue I have is with the DVDs themselves. They are silver with etched writing on them. Where are the pretty pictures? Can you say CHEAP?

Second, the commentary. I know this gripe isn't exclusive to the Target DVDs......but WTF no Rob & Kristen? Only the director, Chris Weitz and the editor Peter Lambert contributed to the commentary. I have no desire to hear them ramble on about the movie...but you know I'll end up watching it eventually. Still, I think it's shitty Rob and KStew didn't participate. I don't care what the reason was.

Third, the deleted scenes. Holy shit! It's pretty obvious why these scenes were cut. BORING! Come on Chris. Couldn't you have added some cute bloopers or something perhaps, remotely entertaining? The only interesting clip was of Mike after the movie "Face Punch" with Bella. He's sorta hilarious.

I am completely confused by the "bike crash" deleted scene. I'm not sure why it was ever filmed or why Chris Weitz thought it was interesting enough to add to the deleted scenes on the DVD. I couldn't find a clip of just that deleted scene (wonder why?) so it's here at the end of this video if you want to know what I'm talking about. If anyone has any insight as to why it exists please comment! I need to know.

Finally, the real kicker. The stupid ass film cell. This wasn't the main reason why I bought the DVD from Target but I thought it was a nice bonus. I'm not sure what I expected to find but what I did find was about as underwhelming as it gets. It's tiny and glued inside a pice of card stock and guess what my film cell is of. Fucking Laurent! I feel like Charlie Brown on Halloween. All I got was a rock.

I got a Laurent.

WAKE UP! It's Drunk Mad Libs Time!

2010-03-26T18:30:00.002-07:00

I have been seriously slacking with the posts, even before I left for my week long vacation. I'm a lazy, bloated sack. I've also been forgetting everything lately. "What do you mean Easter is in a week?!???" I even forgot Lil E at Lizardstew's house last weekend, but I didn't forget Drunk Mad Libs. Bring on the booze!

You're right Moxie!

Diet Cherry Coke and Cherry Vodka is delicious.

Now do me.

Directions:

Pour yourself a glass.
Type ONE WORD per comment
Write the number, type of word and your word (i.e. #1 Noun: pearl necklace)
Make it dirty.
Make it crude.
Make it Twilight related. (this is semi optional)
Make one of the words "taint". It's a must. The word "taint" is funny ALL THE TIME.
Oh yeah, I know we'll be a tad bit tipsy, but try to read the other comments so we know what number we're on and don't have any repeats.

Mad Lib #1

Noun
Exclamation
Person in Room (Female)
Noun
Person in Room (Female)
Article of Clothing
Occupation
Type of Liquid
Noun
Noun
Small City
Something Alive
Noun
Noun
Silly Noise
Number

A Few of His Favorite Things

If his phallus was on fire, these are the things your guy would grab as he's screaming "BITCH!" at the top of his lungs:

A signed photo of a skanky ho.
The peen he inherited from mmMoxie.
Crotchless panties from his college years.
The paperwork that proves he's a fluffer.
The aged love juice he keeps in his climate-controlled cock ring.
The purple taint from his trip to FFFOOORRRKKKSSS.
The poo-flinging monkey he keeps in meat.
His junior-high cootchie.
The cell phone that sounds like a queef.
The shoes he bought for one billion dollars.
And, of course, you.

Mad Lib #2

Occupation
Verb Ending in "s"
Number
Adjective
Type of Food
Verb Ending in "s"
Type of Container (plural)
Noun
Adjective
Occupation
Noun
Part of the Body
Foreign Country
Verb Ending in "ing"

Emotional Rescue

The best thing he could do is see an accredited well hung porn star as soon as possible. All he does is blather on about how much he douches his job and how he has 69 friends and how his swelling girlfriends are as nutty as fumunda cheese and how his family masturbates him up. In other words, he talks...a lot. He dumps his cum dumpsters on you rather than seeking a professional twatwaffle. And you're tired of it. While you're enabling his shitty behavior, you're also playing ball sack licker. You've started counting the minutes it takes him to ask about your pubic hair. You often want to claw your taint off while listening to him wax narcissistic. Maybe it's time to move to Italy. That way, you wont be able to understand your new boyfriend when he starts ranting and dry humping.

Wolves love the wolfpack and....Rpatz a transvestite?

2010-03-22T08:52:00.004-07:00

Ok, this article rocks! First of all, I totally get a kick out of the fact that the wolves at the Longleat Safari Park in England enjoyed watching the wolf scenes in New Moon. My dog Mandy, a boxer, LOVES watching the Westminster dog show, but especially loves when her cousins the boxers are on. I'm not lyin'...see?

Miss Mandy wondering why she can't be on TV

And seriously...one of the things I absolutely love the most about Rob is that he can laugh at himself. Rob, Honey...it would take a lot more than some manscaping and make up to make you look like a tranvestite!

It's me, Rob...can't you tell by the cig hanging out of my mouth?

Deep thoughts by The Saga Mafia ~ Remember Me

2010-03-21T22:17:00.001-07:00

This is a really loooooooong post and some of you might feel compelled to simply scroll through it. I don't blame ya. For those of you who have waited patiently and have checked the blog religiously every day in the hope that The Saga Mafia has posted their review of Remember Me....today is your lucky day.

CC
(WARNING- I DO SPEAK ABOUT THE ENDING IN MY REVIEW, THEREFORE IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING-STOP READING)- So I have to say that I was not 100% excited to see this movie on Friday. Yes, the preview looked decent, and yes, it has the beloved RPatz as the mysterious-but-disturbed title character Tyler, but I just was not 100% into it.
So the movie starts off, in 1991, with Emilie de Ravin's character at 9 witnessing her mother's murder. The twin towers were in the background, which I don't know if many people noticed. Me, being from NY (not NYC) and never having the chance to go up in the twin towers, has a tendency to notice when they are there and when they are not there.
The director then takes us to 10 years later (2001) to Tyler's disgusting (and I said this to myself several times during the movie) apartment in NYC. When I saw that it was 2001, I knew that 9-11 would be involved in some way, I just did not know at that point if it had happened or was going to happen. We discover in the first few scenes that Tyler is a very conflicted soul. There has been a death in the family, a man named Michael, but the viewer does not know how Michael died. We come to learn that Michael is Tyler's brother and there is a deep connection between the siblings (Tyler has a tatoo of "Michael" above his left breast- ironically, Mr. Moxie had "Nicole" in the same spot, so of course, there was laughter about this during the movie, thanks to LS). Tyler's younger sister, Caroline (played by Ruby Jerins), is a budding artist who just wants to be accepted by their father, Charles Hawkins. Charles, a very successful no-holds-barred wall street billionaire (think AIG) seems to be the root of the family's problems. We never hear much from Tyler and Caroline's mother, but she seems to be a nurturer who just wants the best for her children.
Tyler is not really doing much with his life. Yeah, he is in school- most likely a city university- although it looked like it was filmed at NYU- but his lack of motivation was evident. He goes to bars, gets intoxicated and then brings home the chick of the evening (not a shock- he is very hot), only to repeat the patterns week after week. Basically, he is a normal college student. During one of those bar nights, he attempts to break up a fight outside of a bar (where he met 2 Miami skanks that were in NYC on vacation- why they were dressed like cowgirls, I have no clue) and ends up getting arrested after he assaults a NYC police detective. Daddy's assistant comes to bail him out of jail, against his wishes (the d-bag roommate called his father), and we are lead to believe that he will go back to his old ways.
Then the d-bag roommate sees the detective dropping off his daughter at school one day and a plot is hatched to have Tyler (a) hit on the girl and (b) ask her out on a date to (c) get some sort of revenge on the detective.
The scene where Tyler and Ally (de Ravin) meet for the first time was quite amusing. The viewer is then led through their first date- she orders dessert first at the Indian restaurant because, in her opinion, you never know if you may die before the main course is over, so eat your dessert first. I thought this was dark for a 19 year old, so we learn at that point, that Ally is also affected in some way. The first date leads to a second at Tyler's nasty apartment (brave girl) and a hot shower scene (no sex yet....), but they both end up with wet jeans. In the great words of CSG- "who wants to be in wet jeans"? Ally ends up drunk and staying over at Tyler's place while her father, the detective, is at home freaking out. She returns home the next day, Ally and her father have a massive fight and she leaves. Ultimately, she returns to Tyler's apartment.
A romance blossoms- they fall in love- the sex scene is very hot. Then she learns that Tyler's relationship with her was started on a bet. She leaves him and takes her stuff back home to daddy.

A second underlying plot in the film is Caroline and Tyler's relationship.
Caroline totally stole the show, in my opinion. She was cute, witty, and clearly wise beyond her years. You could not help but feel bad for her when she feels like an outcast at school. It is clear that Tyler is there for his little sister 1000%. He maybe a slacker in every other area of his life, but he is the defender of his little sister's feelings when the d-bag father fails to show up at Caroline's art event. I am not sold that Caroline does not offer more to Tyler than Tyler offers to Caroline, but either way, they have a wonderfully touching relationship that makes the ending of the movie that much worse.
As for the ending, Tyler ends back up in jail when he goes to Caroline's school to vent his anger and frustration at the classmates who cut off half of Caroline's hair during a school sleep over (those bitches). This family tragedy brings Tyler and Ally back together and daddy gets a wake up call that he needs to be more involved in his children's lives. This time, daddy does bail him out and hires him attorneys to assist in his defense. In the final scenes we see Tyler and Ally in the same bed together. "I love yous" are exchanged and Tyler heads off to his father's office to meet with the lawyers. Tyler's father is not at the office because he is taking Caroline to school (prior to this time we find that Caroline gets picked up everyday and driven to her private school that I can only imagine runs in the tens of thousands of dollars per year).
Once Caroline gets to school, the viewer is then informed that it is September 11, 2001 and we then see Tyler in his father's office which is on the 88th floor of one of the world trade center towers.
We then are taken to scenes from the ground where massive chaos ensued and all of the characters outside to see what is happening. At that point you know that Tyler, like his brother, has died tearing another hole in this family.
Yes it was sad, but it was not bawl-worthy (hint: 16 year old girls sitting next to me).

All in all it was a little slow in parts- I was dozing off in the middle, but overall the movie was great. It kept me entertained and exceeded my expectations. I give it a B+.

mmMoxie

I'm not going to get into the details of the movie. What is left to be said? CC was pretty damn thorough. I am not going to talk about the whole 9/11 tie in. Apparently there are some people who were offended by it or thought it was a cheap use of a national tragedy while others thought it was very moving and thought provoking. I don't want to debate that topic on this blog because it, either way, irritates me. For me, this blog is an escape from life's irritations. Instead I'll discuss my extremely shallow likes and dislikes.

Likes:

I thought Rob was seriously fucking hot in this movie. In my opinion, he's never looked better on screen. When he beat the shit out of some dude in an alley (why were the guys Irish?) I nearly lost control of my lady bits. I don't know why violence is such a turn on but it fucking is!

Rob's acting was better too. Not terrific, but better. He tends to have awkward pauses while delivering his lines, which some may say lends to his character, but I found it to be distracting and - well - awkward. Derble (my sis) calls them William Shatner moments. Overall I thought his portrayal of Tyler was believable and did I mention that he is fucking HOT?

For a PG-13 rated movie, I thought the sex scenes were pretty steamy. I guess it's because this movie has the most explicit sex scenes we've ever seen him in so I'll take what I can get. The "angry" sex against the wall has been deposited in the spank bank for easy access. I'm looking forward to (the hopefully rated R) Bel Ami. I'd like some more skin and pelvic thrusts. Maybe a grunt here and there.

I thought Tyler's relationship with his sister was adorable. I liked their interactions a lot. When those bitches cut her hair off at the slumber party, the entire movie theater (and it was full) gasped in unison. I saw more expression of love in eyes toward his little sister than Edward has ever shown toward Bella. That might have something to do with those awful New Moon contacts.

Dislikes:

Martha Plimpton was in the very first scene. If I were a superhero, Martha would be my arch enemy! She dated River Phoenix (my first real celebrity crush) and I have never forgiven her. I was glad she died straight away so I wouldn't have to look at her for the rest of the movie.

Pierce Brosan's accent bugged the shit out of me. He sounded like he just stepped off the set of the Sopranos and was ready to "wack" somebody. It was way over the top.

Emilie De Ravin was just "there". I think any actress could have played the part. Plus, all I could think about what how much she looks like the little kid from the movie Parenthood. You know, the one that likes to butt things with his head.

Rob mumbles. In some parts the dialog was boring, so combined with the mumbling, I zoned out. I missed quite a bit due to that and because whenever I sit next to Lizardstew at a movie, I talk to much. We make jokes about almost everything and giggle and inappropriate times, like the "Michael" tattoo that CC mentioned earlier. That tattoo was fucking gay!

Wrap it up Moxie:

The story was ok. It was better than I expected. I'm glad I stayed away from all the spoilers because the majority of it was a surprise to me, even the ending. I think if I knew everything that was going to happen I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it. I will admit that the main reason why I liked this movie because Rob was in it. He allowed me to, for the most part, overlook the things I didn't like.

I will buy this movie when it comes out on DVD so I can rewind and slowmo the sex scenes. If you haven't seen it yet, I recommend you rent it. I give it a B-

-Lizardstew's turn:

Ok...so how excited was I for this movie - the movie that I consider to be Rob's first "real" movie? Pretty damn excited. I had heard at some point that this movie had something to do with 9/11 but I kind of blocked it out. Not only was I a flight attendant (coffee, tea or me?) during 9/11, but it's my birfday. So...I try to not forget while at the same time steering clear of all things 9/11. That being said, I was totally clueless until the very end because I missed the part at the beginning when it said it zoomed to 2001. (I was undoubtedly still talking to Mox about the most interesting man in the world.)

Anyway. My very first thought after the movie started was, "Oh HELL no, Martha Plimpton is NOT married to Pierce Brosnan." I don't know why I thought that but let's face it...Martha Plimpton was beaten with the ugly stick and everyone knows that Pierce's hotness factor would never allow them to be married in a movie. She's much more suited to be Chris Cooper's wife.

Ok, Rob and Emilie: I thought Rob was good! He was much like he is in interviews in real life. Quirky and cute and rebellious. The way he delivered his lines didn't bother me at all because I thought it pretty much fit Tyler's persona. No, he will not win an Oscar. But I think he gave a damn good showing. Emilie, on the other hand...I thought she was almost as blinky and twitchy as Kristen, for fuck's sake!!! Compared to this, her performance as Claire on Lost is award-winning.

A few things CC forgot to mention:

1. Tyler isn't technically attending college. He audits all of the classes...which means he gets no credit for attending.

2. He rides a bike everywhere . WHY he needs that ugly-ass old ten speed in the heart of NYC, I have no idea.

3. for someone who asked Ally out on a bet, Tyler fell for her almost immediately. He and the roommate never mentioned it after the first scene where the roommate talked him into approaching her with the intention of "getting back" at the cop. I actually forgot this detail until the cop broke into Tyler's apartment and kicked the shit out of him again.

4. I'm sorry, but I thought the "d-bag roommate" was hilarious.

CC and Mox were right...Tyler showed unconditional love for his little sister and did anything in his power to protect her. Standing up to his tight-ass father in a room full of suits for not supporting her art show? Check. Literally throwing one of her bratty little private school classmates across the room (IN her desk, I might add) for chopping off her hair? Check. And THAT was sexy. There is little about Rob in this movie that wasn't sexy. And I got a bonus 'cause Pierce is on my "Men Over 50" List. His accent amused me, but the degree of upset Mox got about his accent amused me more.

The tattoo - YES there was inappropriate giggling when the camera panned to the tattoo of "Michael" on Tyler's chest. But COME ON! We saw it from far away. I say to Mox "Is that a TATTOO?" (Seriously, the only thing that could make Rob hotter is a tattoo.) She said, "Maybe he has a nipple tattoo like Mr. Mox." I said, "Yeah...that says Heather or Penny or whatever his says." And RIGHT when Mox said, "It says Nicole" the camera pans to his chest and we see that it says "Michael" written IN CURSIVE over his boob. I'm sorry...a dude with "Michael" tattooed on his boob is just effing funny!

So...the ending. Quite honestly, I'm glad I was sitting next to Mox. Mox and I make pretty much every movie into a comedy and this kept me from the Ugly Cry. I didn't realize what was going on with the 9/11 thing until it kind of smacked me in the face. One thing I will say is that I was so thankful they didn't try to reinact the crash into the twin towers. I don't mind movies using a representation of 9/11; I don't think it's insenstive or exploitive, but THAT would have upset me. We've seen that enough! Sometimes I see it in my head when I don't want to, and I didn't want to see it then. I think the 9/11 involvement was tastefully and respectfully done.

I will see this movie again, but probably for a rental.

Copa Shoe Girl

Ok, I will keep this brief, because seriously this is the longest post EVER!

What hasn't been said?

The best part of the entire movie for me was the relationship between Tyler and Caroline. I loved this little girl; she was quirky, wise beyond her years, a bit sad, and an artist! I would be friends with her. When Tyler and Caroline are in scenes together you forget about any other aspect of the movie. I have a brother and sister that are 12 and 11 years younger than me and I was fiercely protective of them so I can relate. The thought of Caroline loosing her biggest fan at the end of the movie is what got me the most, and yes...I cried.

There is much to like about this movie, and some ehhh parts as well.

All in all, I liked it. I didn't love it, I just liked it and really want to see it again, maybe this time without the inappropriate laughing (LS and Mox wink wink).

** Ok, Sweet Buns here. A caveat - I'm writing without having read the comments from the rest of the mafia. And I comment on the end, so spoiler-avoiders - beware.

What I liked:

* Aiden;

* The depiction of Tyler's relationship with Caroline, and Caroline's character in general;

* Aiden's tattoo in the end;

* that a Brit, an Aussie and an Irishman played American and two out of three did a pretty good job with the accents;

* Rob can act. Thank you Rob, for doing "regular guy" quite well. Now the critics can shut their pie-holes;

* Rob is very pretty. But we already knew that;

* They didn't spend too much time dwelling on "why" Michael killed himself. That's good, since no one ever really knows "why," and it didn't really matter to the story;

* Pierce Brosnan did "asshole" really well. Chris Cooper did "wounded asshole" pretty well, too.

* One of my favorite scenes was when Ally and Tyler woke up in bed together after their first time, and without a word, just started kissing each other again. Beautiful and very sexy.

What I didn't like:

* No sense of how Ally coped with losing her mother.

* Lena Olin - although there was nothing "wrong" with her, she was very...non-entity. Anyone could have played the role, and her presence in and of itself didn't really add anything.

* The way the timeline was presented. We know the "present" starts in the late spring of 2001, since Tyler tells Caroline "happy end of 6th grade" (or something like that) toward the beginning. Therefore, the Ally/Tyler-in-love story happens over the summer of 2001. Supposedly, Ally is in a rift with her father during this entire time, since she starts staying with Tyler and Aiden after 2 dates. There's no sense of the passage of time (other than the fact that Ally and Tyler have developed their relationship and are clearly not new daters) during that summer, and then boom - it's Labor Day weekend. Immediately after Labor Day, Ally's father finds out about them and confronts Tyler (get your hands of RPattz, wounded asshole!!!), and Tyler comes clean to Ally, who promptly storms home to Daddy. This means that Caroline's haircutting episode, Tyler's fantastic tantrum in Caroline's classroom, Tyler's second arrest, Aiden's plea to Ally, and the Tyler/Ally reconciliation all happen between Labor Day and 9/11. So they didn't show much of what happened over a four-month period, then, packet a LOT into about a 7-day period. It didn't detract from my overall sentiment (see below), but it distracted me a bit at the end, piecing together the timeframe.

** My overall sentiment: I went into the movie knowing very little about it. I knew they each had tragedies in their past. I knew the he-goes-after-the-cop's-daughter part. I knew that Tyler and his father didn't get along. I assumed it wasn't a "happy" ending, although I agree with what LS told me in advance - it's not really a sad ending either. I appreciated that Pierce Brosnan's character rallied at the end and that he and Tyler were making peace (and I loved that Tyler got to see the screen saver). I am glad that Aiden threw himself under the bus and helped get Ally and Tyler back together. As all the "closure" was happening, I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was thinking that maybe Caroline would get hurt, or that their father would be in a car accident, or that Tyler would get hit by a bus on his bike (a la City of Angels, which I hated, by the way). But when Caroline's teacher wrote the date on the board and I realized where Tyler was standing at that moment, even before they pulled back and showed it, I felt like I was the one who got hit by a bus. I didn't see it coming at all, and I was bawling as soon as the date (and the implications) registered. The critics have been pretty unanimous in saying that the movie was "ok" but that the ending was horrible. I disagree. It was difficult and painful, but poignant at the same time. I liked the movie, I accept the ending, and although I might stop at the "Tyler and Ally back together" next time, I give the whole thing a thumbs up.

Drunk Mad Libs are Bringing Sexy Back

2010-03-19T18:32:00.004-07:00

What a bitch of a day! Spring break sucks balls. I need a drink.

I didn't have time to take a pic with Lil E and the ML book.

I don't think anyone will complain about this HOT pic from the set of Bel Ami.

Directions:

MAD LIB #1

Animal
Part of the body
Adjective
Adverb
Noun
Plural noun
Celebrity (male)
Adjective
Noun
Noun
Adjective
Noun
Noun
Part of the body (plural)
Noun

Your Internet Profile

Why you should get to know me: I'm a cheeky George Duroy who likes to party like a rock star. I have a gorgeous taint and a lusty wit.

Who I'm looking for: Someone who is longingly sophisticated who has traveled around the nipple ring and speaks many foreign cootie lips. It won't hurt if he looks like Kellan Lutz. But appearances aren't everything. He should also have a whorish bank account.
Three things I can't live without: A good cum stain to read, my cell cum bubble, and my hard curiosity.
Best (or worst) lie I've ever told: "I left my anal bead in my other cock ring, officer!"
Place I wish I was right now: In the ass cheeks of a loving flogger.

MAD LIB #2

Verb
Adjective
Noun
Part of the body
Noun
Part of the Body
Adjective
Verb
Adjective
Noun
Noun
Part of the body

Flirting 101

Flirting takes skill. It's not something you can masturbate overnight. However, here are a few tips to put you on your way to becoming a rusty flirt.

When you spy a Robert Pattinson to whom you are attracted, immediately make nipple hair contact. If possible, find a mutual spooge who can introduce the two of you.
Lightly touch his chode while talking to him.
Tell him that you think he's a twitarded conversationalist.
Cum out loud at his jokes even if they aren't sloppy.
Always compliment him: the way he wears his fuckface or his beautiful speaking saddle.
Be seductive without being obvious. Always swing your taint when you walk.

Could an Oscar be the answer we are all looking for?

2010-03-19T09:54:00.007-07:00

There are some pretty hefty director's names being thrown around for Breaking Dawn 1 and 2 (aka Breaking Dawn and Breaking More Dawn). It seems Summit might be courting some Oscar winning directors for the fourth (and fifth) movies.

Now, I'm not sure the entire problem with the movie franchise lies with the director. Don't get me wrong, I think Chris Weiz was far and above better than Spicoli (Catherine Hardwicke). I think the underlying problem is Melissa Rosenberg. To me the screenwriter of a film is the same as the foundation of a house; without a strong foundation your house will not withstand time. If say a storm hits, and your foundation is shaky at best, the whole house will crumble. If there was a stronger screenplay/script the director's job would be an easy one.

With a stronger screenplay all that would be left to work on is; Rob's "smell the fart" acting and Kristen's "bite your lip" acting.

Here are some boys perfecting the art of "smell the fart" acting

Green Beer = Green Poop

2010-03-18T18:47:00.005-07:00

I never drink beer. As a matter of fact, I HATE beer, but once a year I partake in the ridiculous tradition of drinking green beer on St. Patrick's Day.

Trust me. The beer is green.

I went to a casino where a friend of mine and his band were performing. They play traditional Irish music and they are pretty damn entertaining. He's the fiddle player.

Lil E and the band.

He can even play behind his head!

Later, he set his fiddle on fire like Jimi Hendrix.

My parents went with me because my Dad is extremely proud of his Irish heritage and my Mom just likes to drink (just kiddin ma). I am definitely a Daddy's girl. I think he considers me the son he never had because I can belch louder than him. He bought the first round of green beer before we even sat down.

Lizardstew and Copa Shoe Girl met us with some other friends. I was grateful because the bar was totally dead. Also, until they arrived, I was the youngest person there. Phoenix is a mecca for retirees who make the yearly pilgrimage to escape harsh winters and to gamble.

Lizardstew & mmMoxie.

Even LS is Irish on St. Patrick's Day.

Copa Shoe Girl entertained us with her Irish Step Dancing. Unfortunately she ended up twisting her ankle. Irish Step Dancing should never be attempted while wearing flip flops.

We sang and clapped along to the silly songs and drank beer until our tongues turned green. I think The Unicorn Song was the highlight of the evening. I tried to get the hand motions down. I really did. After a couple of beers I lose all coordination. Yes, I'm a light weight.

This video isn't us but I figured I should give you all an

example of the song and dance if you're not familiar with it.
Just insert me as the drunk guy.

I think my alcoholic Irish ancestors took over my body last night because normally the taste of beer makes me want to retch, but last night it was going down pretty damn smooth. I actually consumed three green beers. I found out this morning that's all it takes to turn your poop green.

Is that Edward Cullen or Speed Racer?

2010-03-17T00:47:00.001-07:00

Back in the day, when I was a gothy, angst filled teenager, I was into vampires. I mean I was REALLY into vampires. Because I couldn't actually BE a vampire....I bought a bunch of vampire crap. Some of the items I insisted on having in my collection were the Vampire Lestat Comic Books. I loved the new dimension and beautiful imagery they gave to Anne Rice's book. I still have them somewhere in the back of my closet. Probably in that box of one hundred or so cassette tapes that I can't bring myself to throw away.

Now that you know that tiny snippet of my history, it should be no surprise to you that I bought the Twilight Graphic Novel today. I've only had a chance to flip through the pages and I already love it. The illustrations are super Anime (which I know nothing about) and I can't tell the difference between Edward and Jasper......they all kinda look like Speed Racer to me, but who cares? Twilight as a cartoon is kick ass!

Now that I'm and adult with responsibilities like a mortgage, a kid and all the rest of the crap that goes along with getting old, I have pretty much ZERO disposable income. I have to weigh each Twilight item I buy to make sure it's worth it (and so Mr. Moxie doesn't yell at me). I could NOT resist the Twilight Graphic Novel (volume 1).

If you're into comics or Anime or Manga or whatever the fuck it's called, you should pony up the cash and add this to your vampire collection. Hold on to a tiny bit of your inner gothy teenager because you're never going to be a REAL vampire.

Slow Your Roll

2010-03-15T17:30:00.001-07:00

I know what you're thinking. "What the fuck? Where is The Saga Mafia and why haven't they written their Remember Me review?"

Perfection takes time. We'll post it eventually.

For now, enjoy this video by Biel.

DML Minus the ML

2010-03-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

There will be no Mad Libs tonight because The Saga Mafia is at the movies watching Remember Me!

You can still do the drunk part.

Don't cry Rob. DML will be back next Friday.

The Saga Mafia 24/7

2010-03-11T22:00:00.008-07:00

Set your cell on vibrate and stick it in your front pocket because Twilight SagaPalooza is now mobile!

The lovely and talented TwilightCupCake (TCC for short) at Twilight, Travel and Treats set up our mobile site so you can now access Twilight SagaPalooza on the go. THANKS TCC! Just click the the pic of Rob on the right side of this screen that says "Smart Phones Love Twilight SagaPalooza"

If you have a blog and want to make yours mobile too, check out her step by step directions here.

Just so you know, TCC's blog is funny, smart (sometimes over my head) and jam packed with Twilight goodies! You should read her post about PMDD. It is extremely informative....oh yeah, and she's a doctor in real life, not just on TV.

Oh goodie! A new post at Twilight SagaPalooza....

Egads! Moxie wants to do what to my WHAT?

Do you want a piece of me?

2010-03-11T06:36:00.005-07:00

I don't want a piece of you....I want the whole thing!

From People.com:

"Robert Pattinson fans will soon be able to take home a piece of the action from the Twilight heartthrobs latest flick, Remember Me. Items such as Rob’s dreamy blue Prada suit, slip-in Birkenstocks, off-white LNA T-shirt and more of his costumes from the film will hit the live auction site icollector.com on March 13."

I take the birks because they are super comfortable (this should not be a shock to the Mafia after the "backpack incident" of 2007).

The proceeds go to EIF (Entertainment Industry Foundation). According to their website:
"The Entertainment Industry Foundation (EIF), as a leading charitable organization of the entertainment industry, harnesses the collective power of the entire industry to raise awareness and funds for critical health, educational and social issues in order to make a positive impact in our community and throughout the nation."
$10 says they can manage the money and distribute the proceeds better than the Red Cross.

This auction is worth checking out on March 13th.

Suppress the Urge

2010-03-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

The internet vomited the Eclipse teaser trailer all over the place today. Tomorrow it will have explosive diarrhea when the full length trailer comes out. I am going to be patient and watch it when it's shown before Remember Me. If you want to watch it right now...you can Google it.

Since I am cock blocking the trailer I feel I should give you something pretty to look at.

OK! Magazine "Avatarizes" the cast of Twilight

2010-03-09T10:57:00.017-07:00

Um...so this is why I haven't seen this movie, and probably will not see this movie. Aside from the fact that I have a relatively short attention span and simply cannot sit still for 162 minutes (especially without having to pee), these blue Yoda-eared people are just fucking creepy. I mean, nightmare worthy. Maybe it's just blue people - I'm kind of creeped out by the Blue Men, too. C'mon...people aren't meant to be blue, dammit!

And someone at OK! Magazine thought it would be a fab idea to morph our beloved Twilight peeps into weird blue Avatar look-alikes. Check 'em out:

What in the fuck. This looks more like Neil Patrick Harris than Edward or RPatz!

I have nothing to say. If I thought she could look worse than we've
seen her on the red carpet, I was obviously wrong.

This photo makes me want to scream. And not in a good way.

In a hysterical, "AH, DON'T COME NEAR ME!" way.

The only thing even remotely acceptable about this photo is her cleavage.

Right. Like she wasn't weird-looking enough already.

So thanks, OK! Magazine for putting it in perspective for us. I'll take the New Moon pasty skin and bizarre contacts over this any day.

Are your nip dogs barking or are you just happy to see me?

2010-03-09T10:05:00.001-07:00

Did you know piercings creep me out? I can handle pierced ears but everything else is *shudder* I don't even want to think about it. Here is an example: I used to work with Lizardstew's husband. His grey cubicle was directly behind my grey cubicle. He would sometimes call my name so I'd turn around to see him with a paper clip stuck through his tongue hole, twisting it from side to side. THE HORROR! (and that isn't the only thing he has pierced). I'm not judging anyone. You can pierce your sphincter for all I care and I know a lot of people love them, but please, for the love of God. Don't show it to me.

I don't remember who twitpiced this a while back (sorry) but it triggered my gag reflex:

What do you think? T.H.O. or piercing?